Posts Tagged ‘Usher’

McChurch – Limited Time Offer!

June 27, 2008

Deacon: Usher, you’re lookin’ a little “peak-ed”

Usher: Yeah, must have been somethin’ I ate

Deacon: Do you remember what it was?

Usher: I think it was the latest sermon served up by the pastor.  He got together with some marketing people to address the homeless thing in the community and then fed it to us.

Deacon: Fed you what?

Usher: Oh, you know – let’s all do something for the homeless this week.  He put together some program so the congregation could go give ’em some food, buy ’em a blanket and hand ’em a tract.

Deacon: And what’s wrong with that?

Usher: Nothin’ I guess, next week is diversity week, following is prison week, then divorce week, short-term missions week, singles week, VBC week……  It’s McChurch Deak, McChurch.. Come and get your limited time offer to minister – then we’ll all go to Starbucks and drink lattes after.


Church Hopper (Part 3)

June 26, 2008

Deacon: Usher, how does the church survive with church hoppers?

Usher: Who says it needs to survive in the form it’s in today Deak?

Deacon: Well it has been proven for about 2000 years.

Usher: That’s up for debate, Deak.

Usher: Let’s all be real.  What is the motivation for a church to grow its membership?  Money!  It’s not furthering the kingdom.  If it were, the church wouldn’t be telling its people to give, give, give and then only offer up an occasional prayer in exchange for all their investment.

Deacon: But the church is for those who are saved, so they can grow and the church is their to disciple them.

Usher: Deak, you’re more than idealistic on that statement.  You call discipleship weak Sunday School (teachers who volunteer and are rarely taught, trained, held accountable, etc.), cushy little youth groups with watered-down curriculum or some “made-up-curriculum” from the youth pastor who’s never done a single thing in his life except go to college, get a degree (with the greatest real life application being a few week-long mission trips to a safe haven)? 

Just what if that new person visiting is a seasoned disciple, has moved into the area with a job change and is a level 8 disciple and is far more advanced in his/her knowledge of the kingdom?  He sits through a couple sermons and realizes the pastor preaches on a level of about a 2.  He leaves.  Is he a “church hopper”

Deacon: But that’s not a normal situation Usher.

Usher: Life ain’t normal, Deak.  Everyone who walks in the church is unique.  Why does the church fall into the trap of offering programs that only cater to one group of people, then preach as though everyone in the group should buy into the shallowness of it all?  People are all at different stages in their lives.  One size fits all doesn’t cut it!  Church is not about the Sunday morning service, it’s about the body life.  Yet all the money the church collects and all the effort put into raising the membership is about the show or what I call the Sunday morning demonstration: “here are our great programs, don’t miss all the announcements about our great programs” and isn’t our worship team great?  And I (the pastor) worked so hard this week to prepare this one-size-fits-all sermon “just for you”.

Church Hopping (Part 2)

June 19, 2008

Deacon: What’s the church’s role in “church hopper”?

Usher: First of all Deak, church hopping to shop for the best programs and all is just plain wrong.  To shop a church for all the goodies makes my craw rumble.

Second, lots of churches don’t ever look at themselves in the mirror.  They put the label of “church-hopper” on anyone who doesn’t find their church to be the right place.  Shame on them.

For these types of people who are truly looking for a real church, I have a lot of mercy.  They are often the ones that no one seems to notice when they drop in.  They’re not pretty, they don’t have pretty little kids and maybe they just don’t fit into the mainstream of the church. 

Churches battle this by “training” their A-personality types to seek out the new people (usually with help from the greeters or making these types the greeters) and then they’re all over them like a Radio Shack salesman.  Doing what, why pushing their programs of course!  Ugh!  Let me get this straight – churches want authentic people, yet they push their programs all over them to get them to stay and then they condemn them because they find the church not to their liking?

Worship or Performance?

June 18, 2008

Usher: Hey Deak, how can corporate worship be anything but performance?

Deacon: Usher, it’s about the attitude of the heart – one cannot judge one’s heart – only God can

Usher: Yeah, but only the musicians and leaders participate – the congregation simply mouth the words and follow the leader

Deacon: Again Usher, you cannot judge

Usher: Let’s do an experiment Deak, I’ll sing and see if anyone shows up?

Deacon: Usher, you can’t there’d be noone left!

Usher: Proves my point Deak – corporate choreographed worship is performance!

Church Hopper (part 1)

June 17, 2008

Usher:  Deak, define “church hopper”

Deacon: It’s people who shop from church to church.  Some do it in hopes of finding a perfect church, while others end up there because they just don’t agree with the last church or cannot get along.

Usher: If they don’t get along, that doesn’t mean they are necessarily wrong does it?  Doesn’t it mean they might have issues or the preferences of the church don’t work for them?

Deacon: They usually are just troubled or difficult people.  You know the type, their problems follow them around wherever they go.

Usher: That’s a little harsh Deak.  I hear leaders complaining all the time about “difficult people”.  Isn’t that what the church is supposed to do – address the needs of people even if it’s uncomfortable? You know, invest in them at any cost?

Deacon: Years ago that might have been the case, but things have changed.  The church can’t do those things anymore, they might get sued or lose their membership roles.

Usher: Oh, I get it.  Leave them alone and they’ll go away and you won’t have to deal with them anymore.  Maybe some other “church” will take them in.  What if they refuse to leave? What do you do then?

Deacon: Most of the time, we simply refer them to professional help or refer them to a help program like AA or Divorce Care depending on their issues.

Usher: Sounds like you got it all figured out Deak.  Wrap it up in a neat little program solution and get on with it, eh?  So I guess there isn’t any church for buzzards cause they’re nothing but trouble?

Church or Sunday Masquerade?

June 12, 2008

Usher: Hey Deak, you go to the masquerade yesterday?

Deacon: Usher, if you’re referring to church, why yes I did. I didn’t see you, but tell me why you’re being so irreverent?

Usher: What’s reverent about the art of deception, Deak?  Where do I start? 

“Did everyone go to the picnic last Saturday?  We had a great time of fellowship!” – pastor 

Now what the pastor really means is, we like to do stuff like this because it keeps the memberships up, satisfies the goody-goodies and it keeps our mind off the tough stuff like the15 foreclusures in the church which we couldn’t do a thing about (not to mention we got to make up the tithe, where I don’t know).  It helps me forget about the high number of parishoners who have alcohol addiction and the three teens that were arrested for drug distribution. 

“Please come by and welcome our new youth pastor, Billy with a special dinner in the fellowship hall” – pastor

I hope I got the best kid for the job.  These parents are brutal, they want everything for nothing in this place.  Maybe he will strike a better chord because quite frankly, I cannot relate to such rich lazy kids who’ve never missed a meal, carried out a chore or actually done anything but take money from their parents and shop colleges setting up their pedigreed life. 

Deacon: So what do you want the pastor to do instead?

Usher: How about talkin’ about the real stuff – then all the goody goodies will go home and never come back and the real christians (if there are any) will be the only ones left.  They say the 80/20 rule applies to churches, why not get rid of the 80 and work with the 20?  Think how far you can go only working with true disciples.

Deacon: What kind of roadkill did you eat last night?

Pastor & Psychologist

June 10, 2008

Usher: Deak, what’s the difference between  pastors and psycologists?

Deacon: I don’t know Usher, tell me

Usher: Psychologists take your money and let you do all the talking, while pastors take your money and tell you to be quiet and listen while they do all the talking!

Usher: What do pastors and psychologist have in common?

Deacon: I don’t know but I’m sure you’re going to tell me…..

Usher: They both take your money and give you absolutely nothing in return

We’re just “administers”

June 10, 2008

Usher: Deacon, If I hear the pastor refer to that scapegoat comment “you’re the ministers, I’m just the administer” one more time, I’m going to fly into the church and do a Mike Tyson on the pastor!

Deacon: Usher, calm down.  What’s wrong with that, he just wants you to know that you’re a minister.

Usher; I give tithe, offerings, volunteer and after all that, he wants us to do more?  What the heck is he here for?  He gets paid and takes the weekend off playing golf while we raise funds for programs he brags about in church on Sunday morning.  Deak, I got a real problem with that.

Deacon: Calm your jets boy, you’re gonna have a coronary

New Denomination: ProChurch

June 9, 2008

Usher: Deak, You hear about the new denomination – ProChurch?

Deacon: What’s that all about?

Usher: This new church in town has done a comprehensive studay & survey and they came up with an amazing conclusion

Deacon: What’s that?

Usher: They discovered that the original reason for all of the denominations (the divine interpretation of the word) is no longer relevant

Deacon: Yeah, and…….

Usher: They found people care more about the programs, in fact, programs were the top priority of the thousands surveyed.  Interpretation of the word was way down on the list, along with missions and discipleship

Deacon: So they’re starting a new denomination based solely on programs?

Usher: Yep, they’re calling it “ProChurch”. Last I heard they had 1000 people sign up for early membership.  They’re giving out free health club memberships for all of the early signers……

Faith Insurance

June 6, 2008

Deacon:  What are you doing?

Usher: I’m studying for my MBA online

Deacon:  You’re a buzzard, what in the world do you want an MBA for?

Usher: I need faith insurance, Deak

Deacon: Never heard that term, What is faith insurance Usher?

Usher: A degree Deak, you know, a certificate that says I can get a real job, like a youth pastor

Deacon: So what’s that gonna do for you Usher?

Usher: Then I don’t have to get all stressed out about whether roadkill will show up or not

Deacon: What will that do for you?

Usher: Then all the people will buy roadkill for me Deak!

Washing Machines, Treadmills & Septic Systems

June 2, 2008

Usher: Hey Deak, what did you think about those people in church today talking about their move to Florida?  They seemed to think that because all of their plans worked out for them to move to Florida that it had something to do with God?  I mean it got a little thick in there what with all of their claims of title 5 compliant septic systems, a washer and a treadmill being required by the buyer for their closing and somehow God delivered all of it to them “just in time” at no cost!

Deacon: Spit it out Usher – what’s eatin’ you?

Usher: Why can’t they just come clean and say we’re getting the heck out of here.  It’s too damn cold, the winters suck, we love you guys and all, but quite frankly, not enough to stay!

Deacon: You got a point Usher.  Why don’t you go South?

Usher: I only stay because hot weather means hot roadkill and that means hot feet and I hate hot feet Deak…..

Celebration or Buzzard Beater

May 29, 2008

Deacon: Hey Usher, I didn’t see you at church yesterday?

Usher: I don’t do first Sundays Deak

Deacon: Why not?

Usher: It’s communion Sunday

Deacon: You got something against communion?

Usher: Not really – it’s the guilty meditating quiet time while you’re waiting – It’s deflating if you know what I mean

Deacon: Communion isn’t about guilt, it’s about celebration

Usher: It’s a buzzard beater for me

Church Membership

May 24, 2008

Usher:  Hey Deak – why do we have memberships in the church?

Deacon:  So you can vote and be a part of something God is building

Usher:  You mean something the pastor is building, like a secure living?

Deacon: You sound bitter, Usher.  God is in control Usher – you give to God, you are a member of the body of Christ

Usher: Not as I see it Deak- Membership Obligations: Give, Give, Give  Membership Benefits: Give, Give, Give (occasional prayer if you ask for it)

Shoulda’ Been a Youth Pastor

May 23, 2008

Usher: Deacon, What a rough day.  I had to compete with the roadkill truck today AND a do-good soccer mom.  There was a possum too heavy, still in one piece, and the truck picked it up before I could get 5 bites.  Then my buddy Norm called from town with a fresh coon and while we were on it, a soccer mom pulled over and picked it up and took it with her! Deak, she took it with her!

Deacon: Usher, sorry to hear that.  Tough day. Life ain’t easy.

Usher: I should have been a youth pastor Deak.  Such a life.  Go to school and have fun, get a youth pastor job at a big church and have fun.  Go on missions trips with a bunch of rich parent kids in the summer, build something for poor people and come back and boast.  Sit around at youth meetings, plan outings with lots of food and do a whole lot of nothin’ and just have fun.  AND GET PAID FOR IT! (All my school loans paid off in no time with rich people tithes)

Deacon: I think you got it wrong Usher.  Youth pastors have to work too.

Usher: Yeah, they have to preach once a year when they’re not having fun, while the other pastors are on vacation.  What a life!.  Babysittin’ rich people’s kids sure beats sniffin’ roadkill.

Gross Roadkill or Net Roadkill?

May 22, 2008

Usher: Hey Deak, What’s up?

Deacon: Hi Usher – Just got back from a budget meeting

Usher: How was that? 

Deacon: Always interesting to see how everyone thinks about where the church tithe should go

Usher: Speaking of that Deak, tell me something – Do you tithe off gross or net?

Deacon: Why Gross for sure Usher.  I don’t want to slight God, after all he says first fruits and your very best

Usher: Help me out here Deak, If I get 100 pieces of roadkill, I give 10 to the church (uh,  I mean God), then I have to give 30 to those highway-robbing tax collectors who seem to always take my best roadkill before I ever get it, and that only leaves me 60 pieces of roadkill – how’s a poor buzzard supposed to make roadkill ends meat?

Deacon: God will provide Deak, God will provide,  Gotta fly Usher – keep tithing!

Where o where does my little bit of tithe go?

May 19, 2008

Usher: Hey Deak – where does all my tithe go?

Deacon:  You don’t need to worry about that Usher – you just need to give so God will bless you

Usher:  Yeah Deak?  I thought I was supposed to be a good steward?  What if God comes down and asks me if I gave my 10% to a worthy cause?

Deacon:  Like He’s going to do that.  So what’s your real question?

Usher: Well Deak, I’ve been thinking.  If my tithe goes to the church and the church spends nearly all its money on salaries, programs and utilities to keep buildings warm or cold for an hour a week, is there anything left for the lost?  And if so, what do we do for them?

Deacon: We do summer missions and give some of it to the food pantry

Usher: But Deak, every time one of those things comes up – pastor asks me to give more – above and beyond my tithe…how come Deak?

Deacon: Usher – gotta run to a committe meeting, pray about it…

Does God Do Rap?

May 19, 2008

Usher: Hey Deak, you take in that worship on Sunday?  I thought I was back in the 70’s on a rock stage

Deacon: Yeah Usher

Usher:  What’s up with that?

Deacon:  Usher, we have to accommodate all of the body

Usher: You mean the “boomers” of which you’re one

Deacon:  What’s wrong with that?  After all, it was an Amazing Grace rendition

Usher: I thought worship was for God – does He like hymns, contemporary or rap the best?

50 tons of spin…..

May 17, 2008

Deacon:  Hey Usher, saw you over on the Interstate Saturday night.  What you up to?

Usher:  I was huntin’ for some extra for the 50 ton project.

Deacon:  Yes Usher – did you give?

Usher:  I did Deak, and then I heard about the surplus.  Did you know they collected $75,000 over the project goal?

Deacon:  I did.  The pastor suggested we buy another building from some poor group who couldn’t make it work

Usher:  Just what is that all about?  I heard he used the state attorney as justification to persuade everyone to vote for it and to grow the membership ranks as well. 

Deacon:  Usher, how could you?  Are you accusing the pastor of manipulating the body?

Usher:  Yep, you could say that.  What has giving food got to do with buying another building?

Deacon:  It’s furthering the body – you know – growing the kingdom

Usher:  Deak – you gotta stop all that rhetoric and tell me just why we need another building.  Every time we turn around, I’m being asked to put money up for more stuff.  Just how bloody much money does it take to satisfy the elders?

Deacon: Usher, you’re quite the disgruntled bird today….what’s really in your craw?

Usher: I thought we were out to help the poor and hungry, now we’re using the surplus to start another church – so we can dole out more money to heat the second church for an hour a week?  I’m having a hard time putting all this in perspective.

Deacon: Usher, you’ll just have to trust the pastor, after all he’s ordained and annointed……

Usher: Annointed in a bunch of controversy as I see it Deak…

Increase Your Giving!

May 15, 2008

Deacon:  Hey Usher – you hear the sermon on Sunday?

Usher:  Yeah Deak = Something about increasing your giving instead of your living..

Deacon: Did you tithe off your roadkill on the Pike?

Usher:  Come on Deak – It was only a field mouse!

Deacon:  Hey, you know the scriptures…

Usher:  But I only got two bites from that mouse!  An Audi flattened it before I got a third!

Deacon:  10% dude – it’s scriptural

Usher:  So Deak – what’s 10% of two bites?