Posts Tagged ‘televangelist’

Saddleback One Card!

December 22, 2008

Usher: Hey Deak, did you get your new Saddleback One Card?

Deacon: What on earth are you talking about?

Usher: It’s a new promotion by Warren’s church.  You can now get points based on how much you tithe, how many sermons you buy from their store and for regular attendance!

Deacon: You can’t be serious.  What on earth would you use points in church for?

Usher: Are you kidding me Deak?  I can get free schmultsy Christian CDs based on how much tithe I give.  No one will ever know.  I just swipe my card at those cool ATM (automatic tithing machines) in the foyer and it’ll secretly record my points and send me a statement.  Grand prize is box seats right up front so I can see Rick and his team, possibly get his autograph and if I can accrue 10,000 bonus points, I can have lunch with him!

Deacon: You’ve got to be off your perch there Usher.

Usher:  I’m opting for a picture of Rick on my card, during his invocation with Barack Obama…..I fell blessed.

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Pastor “squirmers” Questions

November 11, 2008

Usher: Hey Deak, want to make a pastor squirm?

Deacon: Sure, that’s fun, we deacons are pretty damn good at it.

Usher: I beg your pardon, I think you suck at it.

Deacon: You haven’t been in the pastor’s office on many occasions, how would you know?

Usher: I see the results.  Tell me how your pastor would answer the following (better yet, tell me how your pastor, your televangelist or your missional church planter would answer these questions):

Layman: Pastor, I’m not going to be able to make my jumbo payment on my mortgage in December, can you help?

Pastor: How much is it?

Layman: $6,000

Pastor: (whispers to Deacon) How much money do we have in the treasury?

Deacon: Only $3,000 after we pay your salary.

Usher: Or how about this one Deak?

 

Layman: Pastor, my sun was arrested last night for a second time and I cannot make bail. 

 

Pastor: What did he do?  He was caught in a car with a friend who had a large amount of drugs, cocaine.  He was arrested as an accomplice and is being charged with felony drug possession.

 

Layman: If I cannot make bail by tonight, they’ll move him to Rykers where he’ll obviously be in grave danger.

 

Pastor: What is the bail?

 

Layman: $250,000

 

Usher: And finally Deak, how about this one?

 

Deacon: Pastor, it’s been brought to my attention that there are 6 families in our church who are in houses that have been foreclosed on due to unemployment and the housing crisis.

 

Pastor: And what do you think we can do?

 

Deacon: I’m not sure Pastor, 3 of them are without any savings as they are from small business and they have no savings left.  They are going to most likely end up on the street or in a shelter.

Usher: So Deak, tell me your pastor has faced these and if so, how did he answer them?

Megachurch Rules!

October 19, 2008

Usher: Hey Deak, this is where we are headed! 

Deacon: Ironically Usher, it’s pretty close to reality.

Usher: All you have to do is change a few of the nouns and adjectives and it all fits.

http://echurch.cf.huffingtonpost.com/

You finish the televangelist’s statement….

September 25, 2008

Usher: Deak, what if you could be inside a modern church pastor’s brain – what would you really get to know about them?

Deacon: I sense a huge dose of sarcasm – is this going to be ugly, funny or simply “usherly”?

Usher: I’ll finish the thought – you can do it too – send me a comment…..

Creflo Dollar: Give cheerfully and know that God will give to you in direct relation to what you give to Him  …and with the proceeds, I’ll finish my new indoor pool and buy those sweet silver cupholders for my new Rolls Royce…..

Richard Roberts: Dear Lord, let the people give that the storehouses will be full…and my golf locker will have a new pair of ostrich-skin golf shoes to match my new ostrich skin head covers….

Lindsay Roberts: Lord, please help me find a scripture that justifies ……me seeing younger men because Richard won’t do anything but play golf and shop for shoes.

Kenneth Copeland: We come to give to the Lord that  the world may see that God rewards a cheerful giver …and the champagne racks in my 20 million dollar jet will be chilled and filled!

Jim Cymbala: Lord, we come to worship you today  ….with the choir that my wife built!

Joel Osteen: Lord, we pray for those airline people for a change of heart ….because my wife deserves to be treated like a celebrity.  Don’t they know who I am?

Benny Hinn: Lord, heal this person’s physical body  …..so I can get a bigger donation.  My hair transplant bill is killing me!

Usher: Send in your thoughts and comments………what is that leader really thinking?

MN Televangelist Summoned by IRS! Mac Hammond (It’s a Conspiracy!)

September 4, 2008

 Usher: Deak, This one takes the cake!  Man, this guy has big ones! 

Deacon: Don’t be rude Usher, you’re getting a little too graphical!

Usher: Let me break it to you nicely Deak.  Either this guy has redefined the defintion of “brazen” or his church congregation has redefined the Webst’er’s definition of “gullable”!

Deacon: What  did he do to get that out of you?

Usher: How about coercing his congregation to give him loans (which they forgave!), with which he bought a plane, and then leased it back to the church at a premium!  It’s like a Guinness commercial – BRILLIANT!

Then Hammond claims there are political pundits behind an audit after he welcomed it only a year earlier! 

He then endoreses a political candidate from the pulpit (against IRS rules of a 501C3 or non profit).

But really Deak, here’s how sees it: Hammond wrote in a letter to congregants that “enemies of the gospel” are behind the inquiry.

This is the quote used in an article where they throw one of the church board members under the bus (convicted for tax fraud and fleeing prosecution) and claims he had nothing to do with their business dealings:  “I think it’s important that I not be embarrassed about the increase the Lord does bring me,” Hammond said last year.

And Deak, this one takes the cake!  Here is is his defense letter which he sends out to his congregation. Here are some of the really juicy quotes:

“CREW forwarded a “stolen copy of loan application” to the IRS”

“mid-level IRS employee”

“perceived endorsement of Michele Bachman”

“our books are clean”

“Those behind the attacks we will identify, for the moment as enemies of the gospel”

“these opponents in their attempt to limit our influence must limit our growing wealth …undermine and corrupt the commitment of the donor base”  (YOU MEAN MESS WITH MY SUGAR DADDY BASE)

“those who labor in the word are worth of double honor” (1 Tim 5:17)  (DOES HE KNOW ABOUT THE SCRIPTURES THAT TALK ABOUT DOUBLE JUDGMENT?)

Usher: Deak – give me your money, I’ll buy a plane, bill you back for it so I can buy the fuel and we’ll call it LABORING FOR THE GOSPEL!   BRILLIANT!

“I refuse to ever be embarrassed or apologetic for the level of God’s blessing upon my life and believe every day that MY PREACHING WILL HAVE THE SAME EFFECT ON YOUR LIFE.” 

Deak – I’ll bet if we traced his family line, it goes back to the lines of the greatest gypsy and carny clans that ever walked the face of the earth!  You gotta give him credit.  He never gets out of the role!  He obviously believes HE is the difference in these people’s lives.  He just took God out of the equation.

“…All monies that Lynne and I have ever taken…compensation, loans, airport leases…have been approved by the Board of Directors”  (Mac doesn’t seem to know that being a member of his own board makes him an insider and violates non-profit IRS code)

“The income generated by the lease….save the church the potential loss at the time of sale”

Deak – Might as well stick ’em for the money up front.  After all, you might not be around when they have to sell the plane and this way you can save them the money you took!!!  I can’t go on – it’s all there – nothing I’ve taken is out of context.  This is either the saddest or the funniest, I cannot ascertain which. 

They Keep on Takin’ and Takin’ and Takin’ and Takin’

August 26, 2008

Usher: Deak, I like what Alan had to say in his comment on on of our previous posts

“in essence, you can beat up McChurch all you want, it’s not the techniques, it’s the people. Beat on them. Better yet, beat on the gullible fools who follow them… without a flock, there can be no pastor.”

Deacon: He’s got a point.  Even after these people are bilked, they keep coming back for more!

Usher: So Deak, what’s the difference between a televangelist and an alchemist?

Deacon: I don’t know, what?

Usher: Alchemists became obsolete when they couldn’t produce anything for their investors.  A televangelist doesn’t have to produce any results at all and their goofy followers still keep giving them money! Their followers just keep on givin’ and givin’ and givin’. 

Deacon: And the televangelists keep on takin’ and takin’ and takin’ and takin’….