Posts Tagged ‘sermons’

Saddleback One Card!

December 22, 2008

Usher: Hey Deak, did you get your new Saddleback One Card?

Deacon: What on earth are you talking about?

Usher: It’s a new promotion by Warren’s church.  You can now get points based on how much you tithe, how many sermons you buy from their store and for regular attendance!

Deacon: You can’t be serious.  What on earth would you use points in church for?

Usher: Are you kidding me Deak?  I can get free schmultsy Christian CDs based on how much tithe I give.  No one will ever know.  I just swipe my card at those cool ATM (automatic tithing machines) in the foyer and it’ll secretly record my points and send me a statement.  Grand prize is box seats right up front so I can see Rick and his team, possibly get his autograph and if I can accrue 10,000 bonus points, I can have lunch with him!

Deacon: You’ve got to be off your perch there Usher.

Usher:  I’m opting for a picture of Rick on my card, during his invocation with Barack Obama…..I fell blessed.

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Last Comic (Pastor) Standing

July 25, 2008

Usher: Hey Deak, I’ve figured out how to tolerate sermons – I actually look forward to them!

Deacon: How, I’d love to hear it!

Usher: Well, because we don’t take them seriously anyway,  I pretend the pastors are comedians

Deacon: That’s kind of hard to do when they’re dry or serious

Usher: Not really, if you can’t do anything with the sermon material (you really gotta be sleeping in most cases), then I just imagine what the people in the pews are really thinking:

Chester the Elder: “Man I wish he’d just shut up – How many different ways can a guy use to illustrate a single point?  Oh well, glad we were late and we ended up in the back – I’m starvin’ and Martha made muffins for afterwards – I’ll be the first in line for fellowship hour “

Stacey the 20-something: “I wonder if he’s wearing boxers or briefs?”

Mrs. Jones the gossip “Do you think he prayed this morning? What do you think he prayed for? – I’ll bet it went something like: “Lord, please tell Mrs. Smith I really don’t want her damned opinion on my tie, the worship or the sermon, ugh!”

Mr. Williams the CEO: “He doesn’t preach like a true Republican, I bet he’s a card-carrying liberal!

Steven the junior high youth leader: “How does the choir survive the pastor’s farts behind the pulpit?”

Mrs. James – the school superintendant: “Wonder if he was a jock, a junkie, a bully or a nerd when he was in school?”

Usher: You can text back and forth with someone and bet on things like – how long he’ll go over the 1 hour mark – We bet over and under minutes, how many people will fall asleep and when, stuff like that. 

Deacon: That’s kind of disrespectful isn’t it?

Usher: Last time I checked, respect is warranted by Christ and no other….remember Deak, the “church-that-man-built” is all about tradition, pomp and circumstance and not much else.  You and me are the real church.  Makin’ fun of what man has built is no big deal – it’s truly laughing at ourselves.  And remember, it’s all about the material, Deak, It’s all about the material.

Cut & Paste Sermons

July 21, 2008

Usher: Isn’t the Internet great for pastors Deak?

Deacon: How’s that Usher?

Usher: Time, Deak, Time!  With the Internet, they can prepare their sermon from thousands and thousands of sermons and ideas posted, cut-and-paste and then do what they really want to do.

Deacon: What do they really want to do Usher?

Usher: Play golf, sleep, go out to eat, shop, pursue the American Dream – did I miss anything?