Posts Tagged ‘scripture’

You finish the televangelist’s statement….

September 25, 2008

Usher: Deak, what if you could be inside a modern church pastor’s brain – what would you really get to know about them?

Deacon: I sense a huge dose of sarcasm – is this going to be ugly, funny or simply “usherly”?

Usher: I’ll finish the thought – you can do it too – send me a comment…..

Creflo Dollar: Give cheerfully and know that God will give to you in direct relation to what you give to Him  …and with the proceeds, I’ll finish my new indoor pool and buy those sweet silver cupholders for my new Rolls Royce…..

Richard Roberts: Dear Lord, let the people give that the storehouses will be full…and my golf locker will have a new pair of ostrich-skin golf shoes to match my new ostrich skin head covers….

Lindsay Roberts: Lord, please help me find a scripture that justifies ……me seeing younger men because Richard won’t do anything but play golf and shop for shoes.

Kenneth Copeland: We come to give to the Lord that  the world may see that God rewards a cheerful giver …and the champagne racks in my 20 million dollar jet will be chilled and filled!

Jim Cymbala: Lord, we come to worship you today  ….with the choir that my wife built!

Joel Osteen: Lord, we pray for those airline people for a change of heart ….because my wife deserves to be treated like a celebrity.  Don’t they know who I am?

Benny Hinn: Lord, heal this person’s physical body  …..so I can get a bigger donation.  My hair transplant bill is killing me!

Usher: Send in your thoughts and comments………what is that leader really thinking?

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Increase Your Giving!

May 15, 2008

Deacon:  Hey Usher – you hear the sermon on Sunday?

Usher:  Yeah Deak = Something about increasing your giving instead of your living..

Deacon: Did you tithe off your roadkill on the Pike?

Usher:  Come on Deak – It was only a field mouse!

Deacon:  Hey, you know the scriptures…

Usher:  But I only got two bites from that mouse!  An Audi flattened it before I got a third!

Deacon:  10% dude – it’s scriptural

Usher:  So Deak – what’s 10% of two bites?