Posts Tagged ‘roadkill’

Why Do We Go To Church, Daddy?

January 3, 2010

Usher: Hey Deak,

My buddy Short Beak stopped by my branch the other day and asked me how to answer his kid’s question – “Why do we go to church, Daddy? I thought Jesus was fun and cool, but church really sucks! I can’t stay awake for longer than 5 minutes through those windy sermons and Sunday School is full of Geritol and brown-nosers.”

Deacon: So what did you tell him?

Usher:  I told him it was his problem.  After all, he’s fallen for it all his life, and now he’s at the point of no return.  No matter what he tells his kid, his kid will see him as a hypocrite because he still goes and doesn’t feel he can change as it’s too late in life and after all, the fellowship hour has really good desserts!

Deacon:  Usher, you’re so so lame!

Buzzard Vacation – We’re back – where’s the roadkill?

April 15, 2009

Deacon: Usher, so you didn’t tell anyone we were taking 6 weeks off?

Usher:  Nope.  Not my job.   Pastor don’t check in with me when he goes on vacation, he just invites the missionaries in to take my money!

Deacon:  You’re hopeless.  With that kind of attitude, you won’t keep many friends.

Usher: Who needs friends?  Then I’d just have to share the roadkill.

Is Christianity a “credence good”?

February 13, 2009

Usher: Deak, I was studying how the humans do church and credence good came up in my Wiki search…

Deacon: That’s pushing the envelope just a little, don’t you think?

Usher: I don’t think so – after all, people take the advice every week on what they should do, then they trust the guy giving the advice, pay him huge amounts of money (as he instructs them) and according to the definition, they have no way of knowing if what they do has any affect…

Isn’t it sweet when you can provide a “service” to people who have no way to measure it’s effectiveness?

Deacon: But people don’t consider church a service, do they?

Usher: I don’t know what to call it other than a service.  They bring their kids in for “servicing” in nursery and Sunday School, they call the weekly meeting a “service”, and then they call their members to “serve” for free….What a cool racket…I think we should have a service every time we find roadkill and then we could charge admission to have access to what is actually free….We could get rich and everyone would simply keep coming back and paying us for a good that is “assumed” as opposed to being real…

Faith in the Increase – Not an Increase in Faith

January 28, 2009

Usher:  Deak, those humans really got it easy.

Deacon: How’s that Usher – what’s buggin’ you now?

Usher: Well, they have American Express, Citibank, Capital One and Fannie Mae

Deacon: So, it’s they way they go about their lives – it’s all based on credit.

Usher: How come we don’t have a Roadkill Express or a Fowler’s Blanche?  We could go to the roadkill store and just buy our roadkill instead of having to scout and fly, scout and fly.  Life would be so much more predictable!

Deacon: Usher, if you did that – you’d forget where the roadkill really comes from , now wouldn’t you?

“twas the night before Christmas” – a buzzard’s story

December 23, 2008

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the valley

There was no roadkill, no food for the galley (bah humbug – buzzards don’t have galleys!)

The stockings were hung by the old Carson place

 In hopes that Mercedes or Jag would meet Rudolph grille-to-face

 The children were shivering huddled close in the nest

While they dreamed of fresh roadkill,  a bloody highway fest’

And mamma with her worries, I decided no issue to make,

Had just settled in for what was to be a night with nary a brake,

When out on the interstate, the sound of hoofbeats grew suddenly loud

I sprang from the branch and flew on over, in hopes of a cloud (of smoke that is).

There were sirens and tow trucks and a million shards of safety glass,

There were cops with white gloves urging the rubber-neckers to pass.

I blinked once and then twice Oh my word could it be?

I circled again and again and finally lit on a  tree

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But a wreck between a Hummer and an Escalade, and ten dead reindeer!

Emotions were high, blame was flying around, feelings were bent

The steam from the corpses was a heavenly scent

More rapid than eagles o’er  the valley they came,

They whistled, they shouted, as they sang His sweet name;

It was truly a miracle, a story one could not possibly make up

His provision was more than plenty, overflowing was the buzzard’s cup

To the top of the fir tree! to the top of town hall!

Come all you buzzards, come one come all!”

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,

The sheer number of buzzards blackened  the sky,

From every draw and every hollow, the buzzards they flew,

They brought all their friends and relatives too.

And then, in a twinkling, The herd of reindeer turned black

Feathers flew, flesh was ripped, oh how the beaks did smack.

The humans had left, the birds had to work fast

To beat the city workers who would show up signaling their last (bite of course)

(Forget the next part about a fat little old man named ‘Nick

Cause he’s  just not real – he’s a fable – a trick)

It was a feast never to be equaled, the buzzards feasted the whole night

The utility workers had taken a personal day and were nowhere in sight

Every buzzard in the valley had fresh roadkill, sweet dreams and peace

Merry Christmas to all, to God be the glory and to all a good roadkill night! 

The True Provision “Vehicle”

November 28, 2008

Usher: Hey Deak, you think people really believe they have the power to change the earth, stop global warming and “preserve” the earth for tomorrow?

Deacon: Many do.  The gospel they know is a much more kinder, gentler one than us buzzards know.

Usher: Too bad they have to deal with currency as their provision vehicle.  It makes all of them trust in their bank account or their 401K. 

Deacon: They should learn the real true vehicle of provision.

Usher: What’s that? 

Deacon: Why the automobile of course.  Without it, there would be no roadkill!

Secret shopper vets small groups for picky families

October 2, 2008

Usher: Hey Deak, I was talking to my buddy the other day and he suggested I become a secret shopper!

Deacon: Usher, what are you talking about?  We eat roadkill, not twinkies!

Usher: Not for food Deak, for Christian small groups.  There are people who actually pay to have people shop small groups to find the perfect fit.  I told you church is nothing but a Rotary, Lions or Elks club in different clothing.  People don’t go to worship God, they go to be enteretained and to make sure there are plenty of people just like them.

Secret shopper vets small groups for picky families      BOWLING GREEN, Ohio — Sonya Howard recently visited a small group meeting in Akron that she had no intention of joining. That’s because Howard is a small group secret shopper employed by families to choose a church small group for them.  Read more

If Buzzards Paid Taxes – with Roadkill!

September 27, 2008

Usher: Deak, aren’t you glad we don’t have to buy houses and worry about fixing them up?

Deacon: Yep – branch breaks – just hop onto another one. 

Usher: This middle class modern church generation is victim to crazy doctrines – scriptural and otherwise.  They buy houses, spend all their extra money fixing them up, then wonder why their lives are so empty.  They seem to think that being dutiful is somehow in line with being Godly or obedient. 

Deacon: And if their house increases in value, they can’t do anything with the profits except invest it into a bigger house so they can pay even higher taxes.  Ugh!  Are they actually going to proclaim to God that they spent the most money at Home Depot or paid the most taxes in an effort to find favor?

Usher: Sure glad we don’t have a “limb tax”.  If we did, we’d have to gather roadkill up to pay for the tax and man would that stink after a few days!

Buzzard’s View of Community

July 11, 2008

Usher: So what is community to you Deak?

Deacon: Community is being a good buzzard to your felllow buzzard even if you don’t like the skunk roadkill he offers you.  And to you Usher?

Usher: Community is knowing you’re a buzzard and not trying to be a hawk!

Deacon: Community is lettin’ disgruntle and ornery birds (like you Usher) hang out in your tree

Usher: That’s goin’ a little far Deak ;(

Deacon: Shut your beak Usher and eat your roadkill!

Usher: This is what living in community is all about

Buzzard Faith

July 4, 2008

Usher: Hey Deak, do buzzards have more faith then humans?

Deacon: What do  you think?

Usher: Seems like we do – No homes, no schools, no social services, no insurance plans, no healthcare, no nest eggs, not even a nest!

Deacon: So what exactly do we have?

Usher: 250 Million cars servin’ up fresh roadkill!  Let’s Eat!

Faith Insurance

June 6, 2008

Deacon:  What are you doing?

Usher: I’m studying for my MBA online

Deacon:  You’re a buzzard, what in the world do you want an MBA for?

Usher: I need faith insurance, Deak

Deacon: Never heard that term, What is faith insurance Usher?

Usher: A degree Deak, you know, a certificate that says I can get a real job, like a youth pastor

Deacon: So what’s that gonna do for you Usher?

Usher: Then I don’t have to get all stressed out about whether roadkill will show up or not

Deacon: What will that do for you?

Usher: Then all the people will buy roadkill for me Deak!

Washing Machines, Treadmills & Septic Systems

June 2, 2008

Usher: Hey Deak, what did you think about those people in church today talking about their move to Florida?  They seemed to think that because all of their plans worked out for them to move to Florida that it had something to do with God?  I mean it got a little thick in there what with all of their claims of title 5 compliant septic systems, a washer and a treadmill being required by the buyer for their closing and somehow God delivered all of it to them “just in time” at no cost!

Deacon: Spit it out Usher – what’s eatin’ you?

Usher: Why can’t they just come clean and say we’re getting the heck out of here.  It’s too damn cold, the winters suck, we love you guys and all, but quite frankly, not enough to stay!

Deacon: You got a point Usher.  Why don’t you go South?

Usher: I only stay because hot weather means hot roadkill and that means hot feet and I hate hot feet Deak…..

Shoulda’ Been a Youth Pastor

May 23, 2008

Usher: Deacon, What a rough day.  I had to compete with the roadkill truck today AND a do-good soccer mom.  There was a possum too heavy, still in one piece, and the truck picked it up before I could get 5 bites.  Then my buddy Norm called from town with a fresh coon and while we were on it, a soccer mom pulled over and picked it up and took it with her! Deak, she took it with her!

Deacon: Usher, sorry to hear that.  Tough day. Life ain’t easy.

Usher: I should have been a youth pastor Deak.  Such a life.  Go to school and have fun, get a youth pastor job at a big church and have fun.  Go on missions trips with a bunch of rich parent kids in the summer, build something for poor people and come back and boast.  Sit around at youth meetings, plan outings with lots of food and do a whole lot of nothin’ and just have fun.  AND GET PAID FOR IT! (All my school loans paid off in no time with rich people tithes)

Deacon: I think you got it wrong Usher.  Youth pastors have to work too.

Usher: Yeah, they have to preach once a year when they’re not having fun, while the other pastors are on vacation.  What a life!.  Babysittin’ rich people’s kids sure beats sniffin’ roadkill.

Increase Your Giving!

May 15, 2008

Deacon:  Hey Usher – you hear the sermon on Sunday?

Usher:  Yeah Deak = Something about increasing your giving instead of your living..

Deacon: Did you tithe off your roadkill on the Pike?

Usher:  Come on Deak – It was only a field mouse!

Deacon:  Hey, you know the scriptures…

Usher:  But I only got two bites from that mouse!  An Audi flattened it before I got a third!

Deacon:  10% dude – it’s scriptural

Usher:  So Deak – what’s 10% of two bites?