Posts Tagged ‘pews’

When the Backbone of Consumerism dies….

December 16, 2008

Usher: I been thinkin’ Deak, about what is going to happen when consumerism ceases to be the backbone of this country.

Deacon: You think it will ever happen?

Usher: It’s inevitable. The bubble is bursting.  Madoff is enough to prove this.  Here’s a guy who’s been running a Ponzi scheme right under Wall Street’s nose for nearly 40 years!  They actually made him head of Nasdaq – how’s that for executive accountability!  The government  rebuilt it (using socialism techniques) after the first depression, but it might just be too big and unmanageable to build back this time.  Too many people, too much crisis, not enough resources 70 years later.  Other countries have tried to copy the US consumerist model and have either failed or are failing (Japan (deflation), Iraq (democracy), Russia (pseudo commudemocracy), countries in Central America & Africa (who knows what their version is called).

Deacon: So how will the “christians” respond when they:

  • watch their “pastors” leave for congregations for more money
  • are forced to meet in buildings with no steeples, no heat, no electricity, no flat screens and no PA systems 
  • have nothing in the treasury to help the poor who show up and they have to share their food, clothing and housing with the undesirables
  • forego tithe to feed their families or possibly their neighbors
  • are not be able to pay back their creditors because there are no jobs or hope of jobs
  • are forced to forgive those who have borrowed money from them and who they know will never be able to pay them back
  • have paid all their bills on time, have great credit and are still ruined because of what Wall Street has done
  • spend most of their day fending for food instead of shopping for things that end up in yard sales or landfills
  • go to the landfill to find things to sell for food
  • stop preaching about the good life to come when it’s obvious it has passed
  • drive around in cars that are uninsured and unpaid for – but no one to repossess them
  • bury their dead in pine boxes in holes they dig with their Home Depot shovels
  • lose their churches to banks and lenders who either tear them down or board them up and fence them off
  • end up living two or three to a room because there are no more jobs and no money and nowhere to eat out or shop….
  • wake up to find squatters living in their garages, yards, barns, sheds or cars
  • use their sports stadiums as shelters
  • are forced to teach their own children because the governments go broke and the schools have all closed
  • or their relatives/friends/brethren are put in jail for failing to pay their taxes and debt
  • are turned in by their neighbors, falsely accused of petty crimes in exchange for food and favors
  • are falsely accused of helping people who the government has blacklisted or cast out
  • have to work every waking hour just to eat and fend for those who cannot hunt for food
  • have no government to decide matters and have to carry out their own courts and judgments
  • cannot get a job with their Ivy League pedigrees or their careers were founded on the model of consumerism
  • are forced to beg for food or money to buy food as the only paying jobs are dishonest, illegal or predatory
  • are asked to leave their neighborhoods because their wealthy neighbors are no longer accepting of them, now that they’re poor
  • look out the window and see American “refugees” in droves walking down the highway heading nowhere because they have been turned away and have no money, no home, no car and no job

Deacon: I think you’re a little over-the-top Usher. 

Usher: Really?  So tell me where all the people who are losing their homes going to live?  They couldn’t pay a mortgage, what makes you think they can afford a rental (now owned by wealthy predators).  Will the christians take them in or send them to the government for help?

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Denominational Reviews

November 2, 2008

Usher: Deak, what if people did reviews on the Internet after they “shopped” churches? 

Deacon: I don’t know – what would that do?

Usher: Well, first of all, you could find out what they were really like as the names don’t mean a thing to people today.

Deacon:  Sort of like churches would be actually described in the reviews by their true behavior – what would they really be called?

Usher: That’s really interesting.  I wrote a couple below that relate to churches I’ve been to or belonged to:

The church with the free bagels and coffee (during service in case the sermon sucks)

The Church of Bad Coffee (the urns must be from the 60’s)

The Church with the Wal Mart greeters – better yet how about Wal Mart West? (I belonged to a church where the town actually nicknamed the church Wal Mart because of all the stuff they had to do to get permitting to build it)

The Church of the insecure pastor – the sermons have 6 clarifying stories or scenarios for each point made

The Up & Down Church (from standing up and down so many times)

The Church of the old pews (where you’re afraid to sit down for fear they’ll break)

The Assisted Living Church (No one under 50 ever seemed to come)

The Church of the blue hairs (this one was about 30 people and they were living on an annuity – no reason to evangelize in today’s society because they had nothing to offer to families and there were no kids in the church)

The Church of the intinerant parking attendants (I swear they never step inside – this particular church was in the northeast and had two huge parking lots and about 20 attendants every Sunday)

The Church that wouldn’t change it’s sign out front (ever see a sign that has those replaceable letters but they’re too lazy to change it from week to week?)

The Church of my grandfather (and still is)

The Church of the pretty windows and empty seats (this is a problem worldwide where people are trying to preserve the buildings – to heck with the furthering of the gospel)

The Church with the smelly hymnals (because the one’s in the pews where we sat hadn’t been opened in years)

The Church of the Windy Pastor (sermons went on and on – everyone has been to or belonged to one of these if they’ve been a christian for any amount of time)

MCMass (church with masses every hour and drive-up confession)

The Weaker Seeker Church – you know the type – 40 minute services with 20 minutes of rock and roll worship

The Church of the Suburb Soccer Moms – where fellowship is about kid’s sports, decorating the homestead and braggin’ about the new SUV they just got!

The Church of the Pastor’s Friends – the church that has the perfect pastor and the perfect deacons (that no one knows except from the pastor’s sermons or their lengthy prayers) and no one knows where the pastor goes or what he does outside Sunday services.  Interestingly enough, they’re great at referrals and aloof when it comes to anyone outside their immediate circle.

Usher: Maybe some of our friends can share about the real impressions of the churches they’ve been to or belonged to…..

Branding “Jesus”

September 17, 2008

Usher: Hey Deak, now that the modern church has resorted to marketing to attract members, there are no stops. 

Deacon: How’s that Usher?  What do you mean by stops?

Usher: No constraints.  They can make Jesus into anything they want to attract members.  It’s just like TV.  Jesus is black for the black churches, Michelangelo-like for the pretty churches, hell-preaching for the revival churches, kinder and gentler for the milk-toast churhces, vegan for the vegans and a meat-eater for the weber grillers.  He’s whatever the pastor thinks he is in his mind at the present time.  As long as it doesn’t rock the boat and send the people running for the exits, everything is fine.

Deacon: What if Jesus came down in the middle of the service and appeared to be middle eastern?  How would we react to that?

Usher: Forget about what race he might resemble, what if he told the entire church to get up off their butts and get on with making disciples or suffer the consequences!

Deacon: The modern church would be full the next week.  Because they’d just chalk it up to a miracle and the pastor of that church would be in the news and the pews would be overflowing.