Posts Tagged ‘pedigree’

Divide & Conquer

April 20, 2009

Usher:  Deak, I been told that the church is supposed to be separated from state and I don’t have a problem with that.  But how come all them humans run the church like a business?

Deacon: They are raised and taught in a “command and conquer” society where rigid guidelines and hierarchy are the norm.  (Unlike how the church was actually established around a decentralized model with not titles, no bosses and no hierarchy.)

Usher: So that’s why the pastor is the CEO, the assistant is the aggressive VP with the pedigree pursuing the career path and the sheep are mere afterthoughts?

Deacon: You go it!  They simply see church as a vocation and nothing more.  Once they find a place where they can attain control, they must build up their congregation so they can store away their retirements and 401Ks and all that crap.  The sheep are the ones who fund it all, but nothing more.

Usher: So where is God in all this?  Don’t they know that the “command and conquer” model is subject to strife, infighting and easily overthrown or divided?

Deacon:  That doesn’t really matter to them.  In fact, it plays right into their hand.  It’s because they are in it mostly for the money.  (If you took away their money, they’d leave.) When things get rough, they simply pacify the sheep with programs (crumbs) and they use the sheep money to fund it all.  Kind of interesting, eh?  In the days of the Apache, the government couldn’t tame the Apache because they were decentralized.  Killing them was actually making them multiply.  They had no chiefs and no hierarchy, they operated in circles of influence.  Destroy one circle, and two more would crop up. They were a nemesis even into the 20th century after most of the other tribes had been conquered.

Usher: How did the government finally conquer them?

Deacon: Funny you should ask.  They gave the spiritual leaders (who operated just like al qaeda cell group leaders), the Nant’ans – cattle.  With this brought prestige and a pecking order and voila!  In just a few years, the Apaches were tamed and living out their lives in reservations with cows and booze!

Usher: Kind of like dumb Christians going to church every Sunday and doing just what the pastor wants in exchange for babysitting, donuts and coffee?  And all at the expense of the sheep?

Deacon: Most people would say your depiction is a little harsh, but you get the picture….

Usher: Wow, don’t the sheep know that if they simply stop going, all of the corruption will stop? They don’t need these greedy blokes to pacify them and lull them into a false sense of security.  And if they sat and did the math and realized that all that “tithe” is just funding the 401K and paying for the home of some money-grubbing pastor, why won’t they walk away?

Deacon: The oldest and largest companies in the world are insurance companies.  They sell peace-of-mind and nothing more.  Sheep are dumb and they will pay anything for someone to tell them everything is “gonna be all right”.

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Ultimate Job Security

November 4, 2008

Usher: Deak, I need a job that has a great future

Deacon: So, go to school and get a degree, a pedigree if you will and you’ll have that…

Usher: Yeah, but what kind of pedigree has the greatest amount of security, benefits, longevity and you know – kind of perfect for the long haul

Deacon: It’s not that easy to predict because usually once the industry takes off and proves itself, it’s old hat in the market but new in academia.  If you’re not on the cutting edge, you’re the tail wagging the dog.

Usher: Kind of like IT in the 80s, Internet & Telecom in the 90’s and investment banking today?

Deacon: You got it.  Nothing is secure.  Everything is fluid and all vocations seem to have a very short shelf life.  And in this society, it’s getting shorter and shorter what with the boomers retiring and all.  I’m beginning to think that geriatrics will be the next up and coming hot vocation!

Usher: I beg your pardon – I think I know the perfect vocation that has none of what you describe.

Deacon: What on earth are you talking about?

Usher: Well, you don’t need funding or a business plan.  You do need an education, but it doesn’t have to be from a Harvard or a Yale or an MIT. 

Deacon: Go on, I’m intrigued..

Usher: You get your own staff and budgets typically grow every year. 

Deacon: Sounds fairly interesting…

Usher: Best of all, you determine your own work schedule, your free time, when you vacation and for the most part, you work a 40 hour week.  Benefits are included and if they’re not sufficient, you simply apply for better.  You have full authority with autonomy!

Deacon: With a job like that, there must a high barrier to entry major job requirements?

Usher: Not really.  You see you can write your own bylaws and if they don’t work, you simply change them from time to time. “Everything in context” they say.

Deacon: What about accountability?

Usher: You’re almost always in a satellite capacity if you’re part of a larger organization, but if it’s your own, then you’re pretty much your own boss.  Not a lot of accountability as your customers are usually distracted with other issues like paying mortgages, borrowing for tuition and planning their vacations.

Deacon: Tell me more about the customers?

Usher: Well it’s a great vocation as most customers are repeat customers and there are multiple revenue streams.  If things get tight, one simply raises more funds from the same customer base!  They’re always willing to bring more because they’re afraid if they don’t, they might suffer. 

Deacon: What’s the product or service?

Usher: A bunch of intangibles is how I’d describe it.  Kind of like insurance, but not really.  A little like education, but not really.  A lot like politics in that the onus is really on the customer, except at election time when all the promises are made.  After election, the customer assumes all of the risk and let’s you off the hook.  They never had a choice!  All one must do is get elected.

Deacon: So let me get this straight.  There is little or no accountability, a ton of security, no tangible products or services and little to no risk?  You technically only have to be elected once and you’re in for the duration.  With all those benefits, there must be limited openings with fierce competition?

Usher: Not really.  In fact, it’s one of the easiest vocations to acquire.  I have yet to meet a single person who flunked out of university pursuing this type of career.  Some choose another major but never have I heard of someone seeking out this vocation and failing.  It’s subjective in nature and not really black and white.  Kind of like a politically correct soccer league where everyone plays and everyone gets a trophy at year’s end.

Deacon: OK, I’m baffled.  What on earth could be so grand?

Usher: Why, pastoring a church of course!  Where is your head Deak?  It’s the perfect vocation.  You never have to be right, you can always find a scriptural reference to your point of view that cannot be challenged and you can throw anyone out who doesn’t agree.  There are tons of churches begging for a pastor to lead them and they pay you, listen to you every Sunday (only for an hour tops though) and whatever you tell them, they believe.  As long as you fill it full of rhetoric, idealisms, nothing absolute, they will rationalize it into their own set of circumstances and even if they question you, the Bible isn’t black and white and thus, there are no definitives.  All you have to give them is programs for their kids (and they do all the work) and they come back week after week after week.  You can always send them on their merry way if they disagree by either isolating them, ignoring them, disfellowshipping them, or best of all, condemn them for being disgruntled and dis’sing God’s church and people.  Accuse them of “sowing discord” or attack their character by telling them to study the Bible and repent from their dissenting ways.  That usually works quite well.  If none of those work, you simply have breakfast with them and suggest they find another place to hang their hat.  After all, no pastor deserves to be questioned or held accountable by a layperson, ‘eh Deak?