Posts Tagged ‘McChurch’

Televangelists’ School of Scandal

September 9, 2008

Usher: Deak, I put this up for you. 

Deacon: Oh so nice of you Usher.  What do you do for an encore?

Usher: Stay tuned….

 

Extra Extra! Drive Thru Church Now Opens on West Side!

September 9, 2008

Usher: Hey Deak, the Chick-Fil-A model works quite nice here.  You know that church that does the video venues for 250K so people can come and worship to a screen!  And if they don’t like it, they can go and get their own screen.  Sort of like a fast food franchise.

Deacon: So what you’re saying Usher is that it really doesn’t matter if people split because it just means that there will be more churches and more tithe and more denominations.  Yeah, and pretty soon, we can just get our dose in a drive-thru and go on about what’s really important – Golf or Football or Soccer or the Bar …….

Usher: It truly reveals the motives of the modern day church.  Money and more of it!  Since they’ve bowed so low already, what’s wrong with a drive-thru?  It might go like this….I’ll take one Podcast sermon (not too condemning), two blessing cards for my kids (they’re special you know), a prayer card for my mother (cause I don’t call her enough), a DVD of the latest worship music (I dig Christian Rock) and throw in communion setups for everyone!  All wrapped up in a nice little case with headphones and a bag of stale donuts and 2 cups of awful coffee.  “America Runs on Drive-Thru Churches”.

Deacon: I can hear it now – “Sir, please pull up to the worship area while we prepare your experience.”

True Confessions of a Faithful Tither, Kandise Lucas, PhD

September 2, 2008

Usher: Hey Deak, I stumbled upon this and I just cannot help sharing it.  She states it so eloquently! 

Deacon: Something got into you Usher?  You’re using suave words?  Don’t go getting civilied on us now!

Usher: What can I say, she’s a PhD – I’ve risen to the occasion just for once!

“Senator Grassley’s most recent actions have compelled me to make a confession as a mega church member. He is exposing what an increasing amount of us have known for years. These “CEO-Pastor- Reverend-Doctor’s” have been fleecing the flock for years.  For them, money does matter, in fact it is the only thing that matters.”  Read the whole post here.

“It was at that point that I realized that I was giving to make a man, his family, and his friends wealthy, not to further God’s purpose.  This realization, as devastating as it was to know that church leaders would take advantage of  generous givers in such a selfish manner, led me to rethink and restudy the concept of tithing.”  Read the whole post here.

Written by Kandise Lucas, PhD

More of “Here’s Where Your Tithe Goes” (in the pastor’s pocket)

August 29, 2008

Usher: Hey Deak, do you think a church with between 100 – 300 people is succesful?

Deacon: That’s a matter of opinion I would guess.  My opinion would be below average and the guy needs to do a lot more than he’s doing…

Usher:  Wrong again!  The average church size in America is 51 – 300 people.   How much does the average pastor make with a church of 101 – 300 people?  (Answer: According to this survey, churches that draw 101 to 300 people each week pay senior pastors $72,664 per year, including benefits)

Given the fact that only 5% of adults tithe according to the Barna Group study, here’s the brutal truth of tithing:

If 5% of the congregation of 300 people give and they average the median income of the United States of $48,200 US Census report  that means that 15 families of the church give 10% of their tithe.  Assuming they give on their gross incomes, 15 x $48,200 = $723,000. 

Summary:  15 families are supporting the pastor’s full salary and benefits!  With this said, do you think they know this?  Of course not!  They simply put the money in their cute little envelope, tolerate his (in most cases) poorly-prepared sermons and come back next week to do it again. 

Deacon: Do you think if they knew, they might expect more accountability?

Usher: Uh…..yeah!  You go to McDonald’s and 285 other families line up behind you and ask you to pay the bill!  I think I’d demand a little bit better explanation as to why the church isn’t doing more with my God’s money!

Deacon: So what’s with all the megachurches and what exactly are they doing with all the extra?

Usher: Stay tuned, I’ve got a little more research to do, I’ll write about that tomorrow.

McChurch – Limited Time Offer!

June 27, 2008

Deacon: Usher, you’re lookin’ a little “peak-ed”

Usher: Yeah, must have been somethin’ I ate

Deacon: Do you remember what it was?

Usher: I think it was the latest sermon served up by the pastor.  He got together with some marketing people to address the homeless thing in the community and then fed it to us.

Deacon: Fed you what?

Usher: Oh, you know – let’s all do something for the homeless this week.  He put together some program so the congregation could go give ’em some food, buy ’em a blanket and hand ’em a tract.

Deacon: And what’s wrong with that?

Usher: Nothin’ I guess, next week is diversity week, following is prison week, then divorce week, short-term missions week, singles week, VBC week……  It’s McChurch Deak, McChurch.. Come and get your limited time offer to minister – then we’ll all go to Starbucks and drink lattes after.