Posts Tagged ‘Mass’

Jesusbucks!

January 9, 2009

Usher: Deak, are Western Christians just more “stupid” than the average human?

Deacon: To what are you referring to now?

Usher: Their “church planting” practices.  They simply just don’t get it. 

Deacon: How so?

Usher: Well, they take the idea of  “franchising”, they call it “church planting” and then they forget about the most important parts!

Deacon: What do you mean?

Usher: Well, they simply go half way.  They hire these young dudes fresh out of the seminary, make ’em assistants and youth pastors and then they just leave them up to their own devices!  Then they end up with 35,000 denominations and a watered-down brand.  They never close the deal!

Deacon: What should they do?

Usher: Everyone knows that the key to succes is franchising.  Recruit the franchisee (pastors) into a long term commitment, make them swear their allegiance to to the mother ship and then use every legal vehicle and disclosure document to either confuse them, trap them or keep them silent.  Add to this a proprietary system (sole source providers [denomination], proprietary software [doctrine/brand/protocol], indigent service folk [board], micro-managing regional watchdogs [management/Vatican], lazy in-house counsel [lawyers], super PR department [press control/propaganda], senator on the hill [political insurance]) and you’re on your way to absolute prosperity.

Deacon: Usher, you’ve described nothing more than a feudal system of control, deceit and sleight-of-hand!

Usher: Exactly!  They simply need to all get on the same page and build the brand!  They can call it Jesusbucks! If they’d just trade in the denomination for a universal brand, they’d be recognized around the world!  There’d be no confusion.  Everyone would make money!  A Jesusbucks on every corner!  Has a nice ring, don’t you think?

Deacon: Usher, you’ve gone off the top branch!

Usher: It would go something like this:  

“Sir, how would you like your religion?  Protestant blend? Light on the conscience? Lukewarm? and would you like some non-convicting rationalization with that? Please make yourself comfortable in our worship center while we fix you right up!

“Next please” – Non-denominational blend? Extra heavy on the condemnation? Hell fire hot and NO GRACE!  Sir, your order will be right up.  Have a seat against the elder’s wall and we’ll be right with you.

“Can I help the next Christian in line?”  Catholic blend? on ice?  Mass rush and hold the pergatory (that will require a 15% gratuity, sir)!  Coming right up sir, please step to the front of the line!  We like tippers!

Person of Interest focus of More Cookie Jar Capers!

August 22, 2008

 Usher: Hey Deak, Just what is “a person of interest”? 

Deacon: The diocese protects them and now the FBI is covering for them!  Can’t they just come out and say “criminal”?

Usher: Evidently not.  I think we just need to come out and admit that certain denominations seem to have total immunity from prosecution.   Priests steal tens of thousands and still serve Mass.  You or me, 20 years in Attica!

Published July 25, 2008 09:59 pmFRONTENAC, Kan. — Authorities executing a search warrant Thursday seized financial documents and business records in connection with an investigation into allegations of misuse of church funds by an individual other than the priest, Crawford County Sheriff Sandy Horton said Friday.

Church funds misused; authorities focusing on person of interest

 

By Greg Grisolano

ggrisolano@joplinglobe.com

FRONTENAC, Kan. — Authorities executing a search warrant Thursday seized financial documents and business records in connection with an investigation into allegations of misuse of church funds by an individual other than the priest, Crawford County Sheriff Sandy Horton said Friday.

Members of the Sheriff’s Department, the Kansas Bureau of Investigations and the FBI served the warrant at the business office of Sacred Heart Catholic Church, 100 S. Cherokee St., in Frontenac, Horton said.

No one is expected to be taken into custody yet, but Horton said the investigation points to thousands of dollars in church funds being misused.

“We’re talking tens of thousands of dollars at this point,” the sheriff said. “We want parishioners and the community to know that there are serious financial problems that need to be addressed.”  Read entire story

Two Priests Caught With Their Hands in the Church Cookie Jar

August 21, 2008

Usher: Hey Deak, there were two priest.  They both live in different states and both of them have gambling habits.  They were both caught with their hand in the church cookie jar!  What do you think the church did to them!

Deacon: Turn them in, defrock them?

Usher: The first one got administrative leave, the second is doing mass while undergoing counseling.  First there was pedophilia, looks like the second plague of the Catholic church is gambling.

Roselle priest placed on administrative leave
St. Walter pastor accused of gambling tens of thousands in church funds
By Russell Working | Chicago Tribune reporter
4:56 PM CDT, July 30, 2008
Church officials have placed a Roselle priest on administrative leave after he allegedly misappropriated $112,000 in church cash to fund a gambling habit, a spokesman said Wednesday.

Catholic Diocese of Joliet Bishop Peter Sartain told worshipers at St. Walter Parish’s weekend masses that an audit of bank records turned up evidence that Rev. John Regan had taken the money, spokesman Doug Delaney said.  Read whole story here

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Archdiocese: Pastor Stole Church Money to Gamble          

WHITE PLAINS, N.Y. (AP)  — A long-serving pastor of a Catholic parish is under investigation for using church money to feed a gambling habit and has been permanently removed, the chancellor of the Archdiocese of New York said Sunday.The Rev. Patrick Dunne of Our Lady of Sorrows Church in White Plains took a “very significant amount of church money” because of a “very powerful” gambling addiction, Monsignor William Belford told parishioners.Belford told the congregation that he met with Dunne last year after the archdiocese’s finance office told him that undocumented checks were cashed at Our Lady of Sorrow just before Thanksgiving.Dunne, who had been pastor at Our Lady of Sorrows since 1991, left the church right after Christmas. He is undergoing counseling at a rehabilitation center, where he offers Mass daily, Belford said. His home telephone mailbox was full and was not accepting messages on Sunday.  Read whole article here