Posts Tagged ‘hospital’

Institutional Church or “Intensive Care”

January 14, 2009

Usher: So Deak, I’ve come to the conclusion that IC has another meaning.

Deacon: What’s that?

Usher: “Intensive Care”

Deacon: Explain

Usher: Patient (laypeople) in bed, watching the show on tv (worship, preaching), being waited on hand and foot by the nurses (program directors).  The doctor (pastor) comes in once in awhile and briefly looks at the patient and prescribes more rest, more programs and more explanation as to what the patient is to do.  There’s only one slight difference….

Deacon: What’s that?

Usher: Instead of the hospital owning the beds, the doctor owns the hospital and the more beds he fills, the richer he gets.  There is no reason for the patient to leave.  No rehab (that would take the duties away from the pastor and he might have to share the money).  God forbid the patient get well, get up out of bed and go build his own hospital and go into competition!

Deacon: Sounds more like “Invalid Care” to me…..

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“Real” Reasons We Pay the Pastor…

October 6, 2008

Usher: Deak, I’m not much for payin’ pastors, but lots of today’s nuclear families are. 

Deacon: Most people think a pastor is worth his wage.  What’s your point?

Usher: Well, here are some of the real reasons we pay the pastor….

  • To buy the matzas for communion – because we don’t know which brand to buy
  • To put up with Margaret the secretary who’s there because the last pastor wrote her into the bylaws
  • Visiting “Vinny” in the hospital – we don’t know Vinny and going to the hospital smells!
  • To run the business meetings – what a waste of time – I’ll never go to one of those again!
  • To deal with Mikey the youth pastor who botched his college career and has no other way to make $$
  • To be the arbitrator between the “hymn lovers” and the “boomers” who prefer contemporary worship
  • To manage those A-personality girls who run the VBS every year – oh they are so annoying
  • To counsel Fred the “want-to-be elder” who cannot seem to ever pass up a request for prayer or a recommitment of his faith
  • To field the complaints of the blue-hairs on “what’s for Wednesday night dinner”
  • To attend the Wednesday night dinners
  • To hire all the “yes” men for the deacon board
  • To attend the leadership meetings and settle all the trivial arguments amongst the “yes” men
  • To have dinner with all the visiting missionaries – especially the translators – who can relate?
  • To counsel all the troubled wives – note we said wives – cause their husbands never come
  • To approve the worship list and settle the disputes between worship leaders
  • To read the announcements for the same 12 people who care about the announcements
  • Last but not least – to prepare the sermons I can never recall and to pray for the same 10 people who request it every week

Deacon: Your view is slightly cynical, Usher.

Usher: If you’re readin’ this, let us know what your pastor gets paid for?????