Posts Tagged ‘grace’


January 9, 2009

Usher: Deak, are Western Christians just more “stupid” than the average human?

Deacon: To what are you referring to now?

Usher: Their “church planting” practices.  They simply just don’t get it. 

Deacon: How so?

Usher: Well, they take the idea of  “franchising”, they call it “church planting” and then they forget about the most important parts!

Deacon: What do you mean?

Usher: Well, they simply go half way.  They hire these young dudes fresh out of the seminary, make ’em assistants and youth pastors and then they just leave them up to their own devices!  Then they end up with 35,000 denominations and a watered-down brand.  They never close the deal!

Deacon: What should they do?

Usher: Everyone knows that the key to succes is franchising.  Recruit the franchisee (pastors) into a long term commitment, make them swear their allegiance to to the mother ship and then use every legal vehicle and disclosure document to either confuse them, trap them or keep them silent.  Add to this a proprietary system (sole source providers [denomination], proprietary software [doctrine/brand/protocol], indigent service folk [board], micro-managing regional watchdogs [management/Vatican], lazy in-house counsel [lawyers], super PR department [press control/propaganda], senator on the hill [political insurance]) and you’re on your way to absolute prosperity.

Deacon: Usher, you’ve described nothing more than a feudal system of control, deceit and sleight-of-hand!

Usher: Exactly!  They simply need to all get on the same page and build the brand!  They can call it Jesusbucks! If they’d just trade in the denomination for a universal brand, they’d be recognized around the world!  There’d be no confusion.  Everyone would make money!  A Jesusbucks on every corner!  Has a nice ring, don’t you think?

Deacon: Usher, you’ve gone off the top branch!

Usher: It would go something like this:  

“Sir, how would you like your religion?  Protestant blend? Light on the conscience? Lukewarm? and would you like some non-convicting rationalization with that? Please make yourself comfortable in our worship center while we fix you right up!

“Next please” – Non-denominational blend? Extra heavy on the condemnation? Hell fire hot and NO GRACE!  Sir, your order will be right up.  Have a seat against the elder’s wall and we’ll be right with you.

“Can I help the next Christian in line?”  Catholic blend? on ice?  Mass rush and hold the pergatory (that will require a 15% gratuity, sir)!  Coming right up sir, please step to the front of the line!  We like tippers!


What do churchgoers and gum have in common?

July 13, 2008

Usher: Hey Deak, how come people care so much about what other people think?

Deacon: They just do Usher, it’s part of their culture

Usher: Don’t they know that nobody gives a damn?  That everyone simply looks out for themselves – that selfishness cannot be avoided?

Deacon: Not really part of their thinking Usher – they go to church dressed in their “Sunday best” to be seen, chat with people with pretense and pompousness – for acceptance that has no value

Usher: Don’t they get GRACE?

Deacon: Church doesn’t let ’em Usher – church is about prim, proper, perfect, pretty – kind of like gum Usher, kind of like gum

Usher: What are you talking about?

Deacon: Churchgoers are like gum, wrapped in noisy paper, pretty to look at, emits pretty scents and piques the scenses, but only for a few minutes – then as soon as the pretty fades, they become discardable, nothing anyone wants to have anything to do with (especially the pastors) – they leave to do it all over again next week