Posts Tagged ‘God’

Institutional Church or “Intensive Care”

January 14, 2009

Usher: So Deak, I’ve come to the conclusion that IC has another meaning.

Deacon: What’s that?

Usher: “Intensive Care”

Deacon: Explain

Usher: Patient (laypeople) in bed, watching the show on tv (worship, preaching), being waited on hand and foot by the nurses (program directors).  The doctor (pastor) comes in once in awhile and briefly looks at the patient and prescribes more rest, more programs and more explanation as to what the patient is to do.  There’s only one slight difference….

Deacon: What’s that?

Usher: Instead of the hospital owning the beds, the doctor owns the hospital and the more beds he fills, the richer he gets.  There is no reason for the patient to leave.  No rehab (that would take the duties away from the pastor and he might have to share the money).  God forbid the patient get well, get up out of bed and go build his own hospital and go into competition!

Deacon: Sounds more like “Invalid Care” to me…..

“twas the night before Christmas” – a buzzard’s story

December 23, 2008

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the valley

There was no roadkill, no food for the galley (bah humbug – buzzards don’t have galleys!)

The stockings were hung by the old Carson place

 In hopes that Mercedes or Jag would meet Rudolph grille-to-face

 The children were shivering huddled close in the nest

While they dreamed of fresh roadkill,  a bloody highway fest’

And mamma with her worries, I decided no issue to make,

Had just settled in for what was to be a night with nary a brake,

When out on the interstate, the sound of hoofbeats grew suddenly loud

I sprang from the branch and flew on over, in hopes of a cloud (of smoke that is).

There were sirens and tow trucks and a million shards of safety glass,

There were cops with white gloves urging the rubber-neckers to pass.

I blinked once and then twice Oh my word could it be?

I circled again and again and finally lit on a  tree

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But a wreck between a Hummer and an Escalade, and ten dead reindeer!

Emotions were high, blame was flying around, feelings were bent

The steam from the corpses was a heavenly scent

More rapid than eagles o’er  the valley they came,

They whistled, they shouted, as they sang His sweet name;

It was truly a miracle, a story one could not possibly make up

His provision was more than plenty, overflowing was the buzzard’s cup

To the top of the fir tree! to the top of town hall!

Come all you buzzards, come one come all!”

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,

The sheer number of buzzards blackened  the sky,

From every draw and every hollow, the buzzards they flew,

They brought all their friends and relatives too.

And then, in a twinkling, The herd of reindeer turned black

Feathers flew, flesh was ripped, oh how the beaks did smack.

The humans had left, the birds had to work fast

To beat the city workers who would show up signaling their last (bite of course)

(Forget the next part about a fat little old man named ‘Nick

Cause he’s  just not real – he’s a fable – a trick)

It was a feast never to be equaled, the buzzards feasted the whole night

The utility workers had taken a personal day and were nowhere in sight

Every buzzard in the valley had fresh roadkill, sweet dreams and peace

Merry Christmas to all, to God be the glory and to all a good roadkill night! 

Dissention – Good or Bad?

November 8, 2008

Usher: Hey Deak – I read a really cool quote today on dissent

Deacon: Yeah, share it with me….

Usher: It’s from another blogging soul….goes like this…

“Dissent is a gift to the church. It is the imagination of the prophets that continually calls us back to our identity as the peculiar people of God. – Shaine Claiborne – the

Usher: When did the institutional do anything but condemn dissent?  What if we could actually question the modern church?

Deacon: Aren’t you asking for a lot of trouble?

Usher: From who?  If one considers its own works, its reputation, its pride and its worth as nothing, then what’s the risk?  Is trouble being disparaged or condemned by those who have little or no understanding actually a threat?  I can hear the dialogue go kind of like this…..

Pastor: While we take communion, consider your sins against your brother and don’t come to the table = Because of this, among you many are weak and sickly, and many sleep…

Dissenter: But pastor, wasn’t the Lord’s supper to celebrate, to fellowship and to revel in Christ’s sacrifice for our freedom from sin?

Pastor: Young man, on what authority do you speak? 

Dissenter: The same authority as you claim – Christ!  Or is it on the authority granted to you by your Harvard degree?

Pastor: Young man, do you not have reverence for the Lord’s house?

Dissenter: Is this the Lord’s house?  Or is it the church across the street, or the one across town – or one of the other 33,000 denominational “houses of worship”?  I’m confused?

Pastor: Young man you are disrupting the Lord’s supper!

Dissenter: But Pastor, where is your proof that Christ truly asked for us to remember him by drinking a thimble full of Welch’s and a matsa crumb while sitting in defeat and condemnation for our shortcomings?

Pastor: Son, I’m going to have to ask you to leave, your comments are inappropriate!

Dissenter: Pastor, you haven’t answered my question – by what authority do you declare the Lord’s supper a time of regret, condemnation and pagan ritual?

Deacon: Wow, God help the pastor who is faced with such a dissenter!

Secret shopper vets small groups for picky families

October 2, 2008

Usher: Hey Deak, I was talking to my buddy the other day and he suggested I become a secret shopper!

Deacon: Usher, what are you talking about?  We eat roadkill, not twinkies!

Usher: Not for food Deak, for Christian small groups.  There are people who actually pay to have people shop small groups to find the perfect fit.  I told you church is nothing but a Rotary, Lions or Elks club in different clothing.  People don’t go to worship God, they go to be enteretained and to make sure there are plenty of people just like them.

Secret shopper vets small groups for picky families      BOWLING GREEN, Ohio — Sonya Howard recently visited a small group meeting in Akron that she had no intention of joining. That’s because Howard is a small group secret shopper employed by families to choose a church small group for them.  Read more

Modern Day Suburban Hymn

August 12, 2008

Usher: Hey Deak, I stumbled upon this brilliant site that critiques not-so-Godly hymns – I knew there was something that bothered me about some of those old things, and all the time, I jus thought it was the dated music….

Deacon: Irreverence doesn’t really bother you, does it Usher?

Usher: Not really, so I wrote one of my own hymns that fits a church I know…

Oh God rain down more points for my visa
So I can compete with my neighbor Lisa
Just think how great my witness will be
When the heathen are impressed by your gifts for me

Our witness to be seen at the grandest of shows
When we’re adorned with sequens, crosses and bows
The mayor, the judge and the priests will all see
How Christlike we are in our prosperity

We’ll dine with the stars because they surely need you
We’ll say grace with the famous and toast at the ‘fest
We can witness to the finest of celebrity fame
Oh God give us more and more and more in your name

Cut & Paste Comforters (Job’s Friend)

August 7, 2008

Usher: Hey Deak – another cut & paste preacher using whatever scripture fits for her sermon:

Taken from a site in blogsphere:

When the authorities come and take your children, your freedom and your possions: = Keep your Tongue – (1 Peter 3:10-11, James 3:2-14)

When loved ones die at the hands of evil: = Encourage others (Romans 14:19)

When the gang on the block shoots a child in your neighborhood – Don’t allow the actions of others to determine how you will treat them (Romans 12:16-19)

When your parent molests you and ruins your life and everything intimate – Get rid of bitterness (Hebrews 12:14-15)

When a business partner chooses to partner with the solution that supports his point of view instead of yours and breaks the partnership sending you to the poor house – Be a Peacemaker (James 3:17-18 )

When you are left with nothing and you and your family have been put out on the street – Realize that we have peace with God (Romans 5:1-2)

When your husband comes home and tells you he’s having an affair and he’s going to leave you and your kids – Control your thoughts (Phil 4:4-9, 2 Cor 10: 3-5, Isaiah 26:3)

When 911 takes your husband and you are left a widow, a single mom and you have no pedigree to pursue the only life you have ever known – Let Peace Rule in your life (Col 3:15)

Deacon: When will these people ever get that they don’t have the answers? Not one single answer for what God is doing in an individual’s life!  Taking scripture out of context and giving people 10 steps is the most idiotic thing a pastor can do.  She should rename herself  “Job’s friend”.

We’re just “administers”

June 10, 2008

Usher: Deacon, If I hear the pastor refer to that scapegoat comment “you’re the ministers, I’m just the administer” one more time, I’m going to fly into the church and do a Mike Tyson on the pastor!

Deacon: Usher, calm down.  What’s wrong with that, he just wants you to know that you’re a minister.

Usher; I give tithe, offerings, volunteer and after all that, he wants us to do more?  What the heck is he here for?  He gets paid and takes the weekend off playing golf while we raise funds for programs he brags about in church on Sunday morning.  Deak, I got a real problem with that.

Deacon: Calm your jets boy, you’re gonna have a coronary

Church Membership

May 24, 2008

Usher:  Hey Deak – why do we have memberships in the church?

Deacon:  So you can vote and be a part of something God is building

Usher:  You mean something the pastor is building, like a secure living?

Deacon: You sound bitter, Usher.  God is in control Usher – you give to God, you are a member of the body of Christ

Usher: Not as I see it Deak- Membership Obligations: Give, Give, Give  Membership Benefits: Give, Give, Give (occasional prayer if you ask for it)

Where o where does my little bit of tithe go?

May 19, 2008

Usher: Hey Deak – where does all my tithe go?

Deacon:  You don’t need to worry about that Usher – you just need to give so God will bless you

Usher:  Yeah Deak?  I thought I was supposed to be a good steward?  What if God comes down and asks me if I gave my 10% to a worthy cause?

Deacon:  Like He’s going to do that.  So what’s your real question?

Usher: Well Deak, I’ve been thinking.  If my tithe goes to the church and the church spends nearly all its money on salaries, programs and utilities to keep buildings warm or cold for an hour a week, is there anything left for the lost?  And if so, what do we do for them?

Deacon: We do summer missions and give some of it to the food pantry

Usher: But Deak, every time one of those things comes up – pastor asks me to give more – above and beyond my tithe…how come Deak?

Deacon: Usher – gotta run to a committe meeting, pray about it…