Posts Tagged ‘faith’

Faith in the Increase – Not an Increase in Faith

January 28, 2009

Usher:  Deak, those humans really got it easy.

Deacon: How’s that Usher – what’s buggin’ you now?

Usher: Well, they have American Express, Citibank, Capital One and Fannie Mae

Deacon: So, it’s they way they go about their lives – it’s all based on credit.

Usher: How come we don’t have a Roadkill Express or a Fowler’s Blanche?  We could go to the roadkill store and just buy our roadkill instead of having to scout and fly, scout and fly.  Life would be so much more predictable!

Deacon: Usher, if you did that – you’d forget where the roadkill really comes from , now wouldn’t you?

“Real” Reasons We Pay the Pastor…

October 6, 2008

Usher: Deak, I’m not much for payin’ pastors, but lots of today’s nuclear families are. 

Deacon: Most people think a pastor is worth his wage.  What’s your point?

Usher: Well, here are some of the real reasons we pay the pastor….

  • To buy the matzas for communion – because we don’t know which brand to buy
  • To put up with Margaret the secretary who’s there because the last pastor wrote her into the bylaws
  • Visiting “Vinny” in the hospital – we don’t know Vinny and going to the hospital smells!
  • To run the business meetings – what a waste of time – I’ll never go to one of those again!
  • To deal with Mikey the youth pastor who botched his college career and has no other way to make $$
  • To be the arbitrator between the “hymn lovers” and the “boomers” who prefer contemporary worship
  • To manage those A-personality girls who run the VBS every year – oh they are so annoying
  • To counsel Fred the “want-to-be elder” who cannot seem to ever pass up a request for prayer or a recommitment of his faith
  • To field the complaints of the blue-hairs on “what’s for Wednesday night dinner”
  • To attend the Wednesday night dinners
  • To hire all the “yes” men for the deacon board
  • To attend the leadership meetings and settle all the trivial arguments amongst the “yes” men
  • To have dinner with all the visiting missionaries – especially the translators – who can relate?
  • To counsel all the troubled wives – note we said wives – cause their husbands never come
  • To approve the worship list and settle the disputes between worship leaders
  • To read the announcements for the same 12 people who care about the announcements
  • Last but not least – to prepare the sermons I can never recall and to pray for the same 10 people who request it every week

Deacon: Your view is slightly cynical, Usher.

Usher: If you’re readin’ this, let us know what your pastor gets paid for?????

Buzzard Faith

July 4, 2008

Usher: Hey Deak, do buzzards have more faith then humans?

Deacon: What do  you think?

Usher: Seems like we do – No homes, no schools, no social services, no insurance plans, no healthcare, no nest eggs, not even a nest!

Deacon: So what exactly do we have?

Usher: 250 Million cars servin’ up fresh roadkill!  Let’s Eat!