Posts Tagged ‘church hopping’

Denominational Reviews

November 2, 2008

Usher: Deak, what if people did reviews on the Internet after they “shopped” churches? 

Deacon: I don’t know – what would that do?

Usher: Well, first of all, you could find out what they were really like as the names don’t mean a thing to people today.

Deacon:  Sort of like churches would be actually described in the reviews by their true behavior – what would they really be called?

Usher: That’s really interesting.  I wrote a couple below that relate to churches I’ve been to or belonged to:

The church with the free bagels and coffee (during service in case the sermon sucks)

The Church of Bad Coffee (the urns must be from the 60’s)

The Church with the Wal Mart greeters – better yet how about Wal Mart West? (I belonged to a church where the town actually nicknamed the church Wal Mart because of all the stuff they had to do to get permitting to build it)

The Church of the insecure pastor – the sermons have 6 clarifying stories or scenarios for each point made

The Up & Down Church (from standing up and down so many times)

The Church of the old pews (where you’re afraid to sit down for fear they’ll break)

The Assisted Living Church (No one under 50 ever seemed to come)

The Church of the blue hairs (this one was about 30 people and they were living on an annuity – no reason to evangelize in today’s society because they had nothing to offer to families and there were no kids in the church)

The Church of the intinerant parking attendants (I swear they never step inside – this particular church was in the northeast and had two huge parking lots and about 20 attendants every Sunday)

The Church that wouldn’t change it’s sign out front (ever see a sign that has those replaceable letters but they’re too lazy to change it from week to week?)

The Church of my grandfather (and still is)

The Church of the pretty windows and empty seats (this is a problem worldwide where people are trying to preserve the buildings – to heck with the furthering of the gospel)

The Church with the smelly hymnals (because the one’s in the pews where we sat hadn’t been opened in years)

The Church of the Windy Pastor (sermons went on and on – everyone has been to or belonged to one of these if they’ve been a christian for any amount of time)

MCMass (church with masses every hour and drive-up confession)

The Weaker Seeker Church – you know the type – 40 minute services with 20 minutes of rock and roll worship

The Church of the Suburb Soccer Moms – where fellowship is about kid’s sports, decorating the homestead and braggin’ about the new SUV they just got!

The Church of the Pastor’s Friends – the church that has the perfect pastor and the perfect deacons (that no one knows except from the pastor’s sermons or their lengthy prayers) and no one knows where the pastor goes or what he does outside Sunday services.  Interestingly enough, they’re great at referrals and aloof when it comes to anyone outside their immediate circle.

Usher: Maybe some of our friends can share about the real impressions of the churches they’ve been to or belonged to…..

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Church Hopping (Part 2)

June 19, 2008

Deacon: What’s the church’s role in “church hopper”?

Usher: First of all Deak, church hopping to shop for the best programs and all is just plain wrong.  To shop a church for all the goodies makes my craw rumble.

Second, lots of churches don’t ever look at themselves in the mirror.  They put the label of “church-hopper” on anyone who doesn’t find their church to be the right place.  Shame on them.

For these types of people who are truly looking for a real church, I have a lot of mercy.  They are often the ones that no one seems to notice when they drop in.  They’re not pretty, they don’t have pretty little kids and maybe they just don’t fit into the mainstream of the church. 

Churches battle this by “training” their A-personality types to seek out the new people (usually with help from the greeters or making these types the greeters) and then they’re all over them like a Radio Shack salesman.  Doing what, why pushing their programs of course!  Ugh!  Let me get this straight – churches want authentic people, yet they push their programs all over them to get them to stay and then they condemn them because they find the church not to their liking?