Posts Tagged ‘christian’

Why Do We Go To Church, Daddy?

January 3, 2010

Usher: Hey Deak,

My buddy Short Beak stopped by my branch the other day and asked me how to answer his kid’s question – “Why do we go to church, Daddy? I thought Jesus was fun and cool, but church really sucks! I can’t stay awake for longer than 5 minutes through those windy sermons and Sunday School is full of Geritol and brown-nosers.”

Deacon: So what did you tell him?

Usher:  I told him it was his problem.  After all, he’s fallen for it all his life, and now he’s at the point of no return.  No matter what he tells his kid, his kid will see him as a hypocrite because he still goes and doesn’t feel he can change as it’s too late in life and after all, the fellowship hour has really good desserts!

Deacon:  Usher, you’re so so lame!

Jesusbucks!

January 9, 2009

Usher: Deak, are Western Christians just more “stupid” than the average human?

Deacon: To what are you referring to now?

Usher: Their “church planting” practices.  They simply just don’t get it. 

Deacon: How so?

Usher: Well, they take the idea of  “franchising”, they call it “church planting” and then they forget about the most important parts!

Deacon: What do you mean?

Usher: Well, they simply go half way.  They hire these young dudes fresh out of the seminary, make ’em assistants and youth pastors and then they just leave them up to their own devices!  Then they end up with 35,000 denominations and a watered-down brand.  They never close the deal!

Deacon: What should they do?

Usher: Everyone knows that the key to succes is franchising.  Recruit the franchisee (pastors) into a long term commitment, make them swear their allegiance to to the mother ship and then use every legal vehicle and disclosure document to either confuse them, trap them or keep them silent.  Add to this a proprietary system (sole source providers [denomination], proprietary software [doctrine/brand/protocol], indigent service folk [board], micro-managing regional watchdogs [management/Vatican], lazy in-house counsel [lawyers], super PR department [press control/propaganda], senator on the hill [political insurance]) and you’re on your way to absolute prosperity.

Deacon: Usher, you’ve described nothing more than a feudal system of control, deceit and sleight-of-hand!

Usher: Exactly!  They simply need to all get on the same page and build the brand!  They can call it Jesusbucks! If they’d just trade in the denomination for a universal brand, they’d be recognized around the world!  There’d be no confusion.  Everyone would make money!  A Jesusbucks on every corner!  Has a nice ring, don’t you think?

Deacon: Usher, you’ve gone off the top branch!

Usher: It would go something like this:  

“Sir, how would you like your religion?  Protestant blend? Light on the conscience? Lukewarm? and would you like some non-convicting rationalization with that? Please make yourself comfortable in our worship center while we fix you right up!

“Next please” – Non-denominational blend? Extra heavy on the condemnation? Hell fire hot and NO GRACE!  Sir, your order will be right up.  Have a seat against the elder’s wall and we’ll be right with you.

“Can I help the next Christian in line?”  Catholic blend? on ice?  Mass rush and hold the pergatory (that will require a 15% gratuity, sir)!  Coming right up sir, please step to the front of the line!  We like tippers!

When the Backbone of Consumerism dies….

December 16, 2008

Usher: I been thinkin’ Deak, about what is going to happen when consumerism ceases to be the backbone of this country.

Deacon: You think it will ever happen?

Usher: It’s inevitable. The bubble is bursting.  Madoff is enough to prove this.  Here’s a guy who’s been running a Ponzi scheme right under Wall Street’s nose for nearly 40 years!  They actually made him head of Nasdaq – how’s that for executive accountability!  The government  rebuilt it (using socialism techniques) after the first depression, but it might just be too big and unmanageable to build back this time.  Too many people, too much crisis, not enough resources 70 years later.  Other countries have tried to copy the US consumerist model and have either failed or are failing (Japan (deflation), Iraq (democracy), Russia (pseudo commudemocracy), countries in Central America & Africa (who knows what their version is called).

Deacon: So how will the “christians” respond when they:

  • watch their “pastors” leave for congregations for more money
  • are forced to meet in buildings with no steeples, no heat, no electricity, no flat screens and no PA systems 
  • have nothing in the treasury to help the poor who show up and they have to share their food, clothing and housing with the undesirables
  • forego tithe to feed their families or possibly their neighbors
  • are not be able to pay back their creditors because there are no jobs or hope of jobs
  • are forced to forgive those who have borrowed money from them and who they know will never be able to pay them back
  • have paid all their bills on time, have great credit and are still ruined because of what Wall Street has done
  • spend most of their day fending for food instead of shopping for things that end up in yard sales or landfills
  • go to the landfill to find things to sell for food
  • stop preaching about the good life to come when it’s obvious it has passed
  • drive around in cars that are uninsured and unpaid for – but no one to repossess them
  • bury their dead in pine boxes in holes they dig with their Home Depot shovels
  • lose their churches to banks and lenders who either tear them down or board them up and fence them off
  • end up living two or three to a room because there are no more jobs and no money and nowhere to eat out or shop….
  • wake up to find squatters living in their garages, yards, barns, sheds or cars
  • use their sports stadiums as shelters
  • are forced to teach their own children because the governments go broke and the schools have all closed
  • or their relatives/friends/brethren are put in jail for failing to pay their taxes and debt
  • are turned in by their neighbors, falsely accused of petty crimes in exchange for food and favors
  • are falsely accused of helping people who the government has blacklisted or cast out
  • have to work every waking hour just to eat and fend for those who cannot hunt for food
  • have no government to decide matters and have to carry out their own courts and judgments
  • cannot get a job with their Ivy League pedigrees or their careers were founded on the model of consumerism
  • are forced to beg for food or money to buy food as the only paying jobs are dishonest, illegal or predatory
  • are asked to leave their neighborhoods because their wealthy neighbors are no longer accepting of them, now that they’re poor
  • look out the window and see American “refugees” in droves walking down the highway heading nowhere because they have been turned away and have no money, no home, no car and no job

Deacon: I think you’re a little over-the-top Usher. 

Usher: Really?  So tell me where all the people who are losing their homes going to live?  They couldn’t pay a mortgage, what makes you think they can afford a rental (now owned by wealthy predators).  Will the christians take them in or send them to the government for help?

Blind Faith or Faithful Blindness?

December 10, 2008

Usher: Hey Deak, do the people really  know who is teaching their children in Sunday School?

Deacon:  They assume a devoted christian I’m sure.

Usher: How can they be so sure Deak?  No inquiries?  No checking the curriculum?  Rarely do they even talk to the teacher.  They simply pick up their kids and thank the teacher for whatever they did, good or bad. 

Deacon: They’re sure the pastor has it all under control.

Usher:  A case of blind faith or faithful blindness?

Pastor Pastor Oh won’t you tell me please…

August 9, 2008

Usher: Hey Deak, I wrote a rap, can you add the music?

 

Deacon: Aw Usher, I’m a buzzard, I can’t sing

 

Usher: Do your best Deak, here are the words……

 

Pastor Pastor, Oh won’t you tell me please

Why you take so much money from the least of these

Don’t the scriptures say that what you do for them

You do unto Him……

 

Pastor Pastor Oh won’t you please explain

Why you’re rarely here when they cry out in pain

Don’t the scriptures say that what you do for them

You do unto Him….

 

Constantine would be proud of the church of today

Where all who come are encouraged to pay

Where men are exalted by the stories they tell

The pagan tradition is alive and well

 

Programs are bait and marketing prose is king

Big pretty buildings scream bling bling bling

Sermons are published and sold for great gains

As pastors travel the circuit in their private planes

 

For some odd reason, the laypeople stay mum

Every Sunday morning they continue to come

To practice tradition and listen some more

And fund the dreams of the pastor, while ignoring the poor

 

An Image of caring and concern, pastors portray

But when times get tough, they call the laymen to pray

And when money is requested for the poor, the budget is suddenly low

Oh where does the tithe of the poor people go?

 

But why fight it, why can’t we all join in the fun

We’ll go to Christian college, get a degree and with pride we can beam

We can all be appointed to a church of our own

And fleece the poor and naiive while we fund our own American dream

 

And when we approach our maker at the end of our reign

We’ll all proclaim how successful we’ve been

How we furthered the kingdom with our big pretty chapels

How we encouraged the laymen to care for the sick while we vacationed with our families

How we taught them to give to the poor because we used their money to buy our jets

How we used all the funds to fund programs to attract bigger and bigger crowds

To publish more books and sermons and and and and and……

 

You fill in the blanks…….

 

Copyright: Deacon & Usher Productions (hehe)

God’s Perfect Church Planters – Church Hopping #4

July 15, 2008

Now Accepting Applications! (f/ Adam with the FC remix)

1. We’re not looking for church hopping Christians! If you can’t plug in at a church because you haven’t found the perfect church then let me save you some time. We’re not perfect so mark us off of your list. I’m serious!

2. We’re not looking for granola bar Christians! Granola is made up of fruits, nuts and flakes. We’re not interested. We’re trying to reach people that are far from God and to be quite honest we do not want to push them farther away. Weird in the name of God is still weird!

3. We’re not looking for disgruntled Christians! If you are mad at your current or previous pastor/church then please don’t expect us to take your side (or even listen to your side). We have more important things to do then to pacify whiny Christians. Make it right and move on!

4. We’re not looking for trendy Christians! We’re not trying to create a new church fad that attracts all kinds of Christians that are bored with their current churches. We value and respect all kinds of church models and philosophies. If you like getting on board with new church trends then you’ll find yourself in the wrong place!

5. We’re not looking for fix-it Christians! Please don’t come if you feel the need to fix pastors, ministries and churches. You won’t enjoy it here and we won’t enjoy having you. God’s vision for Forward Church is not broken so please take your toolbox somewhere else!

I agree with him!

Check back often as I continue to work out what Forward Church will look and feel like.

Until next time.

 _____________________________________________________________________________________________

Usher; Hey Deak, it’s the perfect church – they don’t need anyone who isn’t just like them!

Deacon: What is “just like them”

Usher: Don’t have a clue – let me see if I can figure it out –

– No church hoppers
– No fruits nuts or flakes – no cereal christians
– No one who is hurting
– No whiny christians
– No disgruntled christians
– No “faddy” christians
– No fix-it christians

Deacon: Do they even know christians?  I’ve never seen a church with anything but the above!

Usher: My point exactly!  In their eyes, they’re perfect.  They must have won God’s gold medals at the spiritual olympics!

Deacon: So what happens when they are out in the mission field and one of them fails in the eyes of a Muslim or a JW or a Mormon or a Hindu or a Buddhist?

Usher: Then I guess Christ loses because their christianity is nothing but perfect – and if everyone is not perfect, their gospel don’t work