Posts Tagged ‘buzzards’

The True Provision “Vehicle”

November 28, 2008

Usher: Hey Deak, you think people really believe they have the power to change the earth, stop global warming and “preserve” the earth for tomorrow?

Deacon: Many do.  The gospel they know is a much more kinder, gentler one than us buzzards know.

Usher: Too bad they have to deal with currency as their provision vehicle.  It makes all of them trust in their bank account or their 401K. 

Deacon: They should learn the real true vehicle of provision.

Usher: What’s that? 

Deacon: Why the automobile of course.  Without it, there would be no roadkill!

If Buzzards Paid Taxes – with Roadkill!

September 27, 2008

Usher: Deak, aren’t you glad we don’t have to buy houses and worry about fixing them up?

Deacon: Yep – branch breaks – just hop onto another one. 

Usher: This middle class modern church generation is victim to crazy doctrines – scriptural and otherwise.  They buy houses, spend all their extra money fixing them up, then wonder why their lives are so empty.  They seem to think that being dutiful is somehow in line with being Godly or obedient. 

Deacon: And if their house increases in value, they can’t do anything with the profits except invest it into a bigger house so they can pay even higher taxes.  Ugh!  Are they actually going to proclaim to God that they spent the most money at Home Depot or paid the most taxes in an effort to find favor?

Usher: Sure glad we don’t have a “limb tax”.  If we did, we’d have to gather roadkill up to pay for the tax and man would that stink after a few days!

You finish the televangelist’s statement….

September 25, 2008

Usher: Deak, what if you could be inside a modern church pastor’s brain – what would you really get to know about them?

Deacon: I sense a huge dose of sarcasm – is this going to be ugly, funny or simply “usherly”?

Usher: I’ll finish the thought – you can do it too – send me a comment…..

Creflo Dollar: Give cheerfully and know that God will give to you in direct relation to what you give to Him  …and with the proceeds, I’ll finish my new indoor pool and buy those sweet silver cupholders for my new Rolls Royce…..

Richard Roberts: Dear Lord, let the people give that the storehouses will be full…and my golf locker will have a new pair of ostrich-skin golf shoes to match my new ostrich skin head covers….

Lindsay Roberts: Lord, please help me find a scripture that justifies ……me seeing younger men because Richard won’t do anything but play golf and shop for shoes.

Kenneth Copeland: We come to give to the Lord that  the world may see that God rewards a cheerful giver …and the champagne racks in my 20 million dollar jet will be chilled and filled!

Jim Cymbala: Lord, we come to worship you today  ….with the choir that my wife built!

Joel Osteen: Lord, we pray for those airline people for a change of heart ….because my wife deserves to be treated like a celebrity.  Don’t they know who I am?

Benny Hinn: Lord, heal this person’s physical body  … I can get a bigger donation.  My hair transplant bill is killing me!

Usher: Send in your thoughts and comments………what is that leader really thinking?

Buzzard Faith

July 4, 2008

Usher: Hey Deak, do buzzards have more faith then humans?

Deacon: What do  you think?

Usher: Seems like we do – No homes, no schools, no social services, no insurance plans, no healthcare, no nest eggs, not even a nest!

Deacon: So what exactly do we have?

Usher: 250 Million cars servin’ up fresh roadkill!  Let’s Eat!

Church Hopper (part 1)

June 17, 2008

Usher:  Deak, define “church hopper”

Deacon: It’s people who shop from church to church.  Some do it in hopes of finding a perfect church, while others end up there because they just don’t agree with the last church or cannot get along.

Usher: If they don’t get along, that doesn’t mean they are necessarily wrong does it?  Doesn’t it mean they might have issues or the preferences of the church don’t work for them?

Deacon: They usually are just troubled or difficult people.  You know the type, their problems follow them around wherever they go.

Usher: That’s a little harsh Deak.  I hear leaders complaining all the time about “difficult people”.  Isn’t that what the church is supposed to do – address the needs of people even if it’s uncomfortable? You know, invest in them at any cost?

Deacon: Years ago that might have been the case, but things have changed.  The church can’t do those things anymore, they might get sued or lose their membership roles.

Usher: Oh, I get it.  Leave them alone and they’ll go away and you won’t have to deal with them anymore.  Maybe some other “church” will take them in.  What if they refuse to leave? What do you do then?

Deacon: Most of the time, we simply refer them to professional help or refer them to a help program like AA or Divorce Care depending on their issues.

Usher: Sounds like you got it all figured out Deak.  Wrap it up in a neat little program solution and get on with it, eh?  So I guess there isn’t any church for buzzards cause they’re nothing but trouble?