Posts Tagged ‘buzzard’

Buzzard Vacation – We’re back – where’s the roadkill?

April 15, 2009

Deacon: Usher, so you didn’t tell anyone we were taking 6 weeks off?

Usher:  Nope.  Not my job.   Pastor don’t check in with me when he goes on vacation, he just invites the missionaries in to take my money!

Deacon:  You’re hopeless.  With that kind of attitude, you won’t keep many friends.

Usher: Who needs friends?  Then I’d just have to share the roadkill.

Usher’s Resolution – Blogroll

January 3, 2009

Usher: Hey Deak, I’m done with my resolution – how about you?

Deacon: What is it?

Usher: To finish a blogroll of everyone who commented on our blog from ’07

Deacon: Usher, you’re supposed to make a resolution something in your life you’re going to change, not a task you can finish in a few hours!

Usher: Deak, even a buzzard knows it can’t change of it’s own self will – that’s God’s job…..

“twas the night before Christmas” – a buzzard’s story

December 23, 2008

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the valley

There was no roadkill, no food for the galley (bah humbug – buzzards don’t have galleys!)

The stockings were hung by the old Carson place

 In hopes that Mercedes or Jag would meet Rudolph grille-to-face

 The children were shivering huddled close in the nest

While they dreamed of fresh roadkill,  a bloody highway fest’

And mamma with her worries, I decided no issue to make,

Had just settled in for what was to be a night with nary a brake,

When out on the interstate, the sound of hoofbeats grew suddenly loud

I sprang from the branch and flew on over, in hopes of a cloud (of smoke that is).

There were sirens and tow trucks and a million shards of safety glass,

There were cops with white gloves urging the rubber-neckers to pass.

I blinked once and then twice Oh my word could it be?

I circled again and again and finally lit on a  tree

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But a wreck between a Hummer and an Escalade, and ten dead reindeer!

Emotions were high, blame was flying around, feelings were bent

The steam from the corpses was a heavenly scent

More rapid than eagles o’er  the valley they came,

They whistled, they shouted, as they sang His sweet name;

It was truly a miracle, a story one could not possibly make up

His provision was more than plenty, overflowing was the buzzard’s cup

To the top of the fir tree! to the top of town hall!

Come all you buzzards, come one come all!”

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,

The sheer number of buzzards blackened  the sky,

From every draw and every hollow, the buzzards they flew,

They brought all their friends and relatives too.

And then, in a twinkling, The herd of reindeer turned black

Feathers flew, flesh was ripped, oh how the beaks did smack.

The humans had left, the birds had to work fast

To beat the city workers who would show up signaling their last (bite of course)

(Forget the next part about a fat little old man named ‘Nick

Cause he’s  just not real – he’s a fable – a trick)

It was a feast never to be equaled, the buzzards feasted the whole night

The utility workers had taken a personal day and were nowhere in sight

Every buzzard in the valley had fresh roadkill, sweet dreams and peace

Merry Christmas to all, to God be the glory and to all a good roadkill night! 

The True Provision “Vehicle”

November 28, 2008

Usher: Hey Deak, you think people really believe they have the power to change the earth, stop global warming and “preserve” the earth for tomorrow?

Deacon: Many do.  The gospel they know is a much more kinder, gentler one than us buzzards know.

Usher: Too bad they have to deal with currency as their provision vehicle.  It makes all of them trust in their bank account or their 401K. 

Deacon: They should learn the real true vehicle of provision.

Usher: What’s that? 

Deacon: Why the automobile of course.  Without it, there would be no roadkill!

Death by Association (abridged version)

July 15, 2008

In response to an anonymous blogger who was trying to figure out the mechanics of “blended’ worship

(sorry for such a long post – don’t fall asleep readin’ it)

Usher: What in the world do we tell her?

Deacon: You’re openin’ up Pandora’s box Usher

Usher: She asked

Deacon: Up to you

Usher: WEll Betty, what you’re trying to do cannot be done.  Even though you think buzzards can’t sing, we did worship for 30 years.  Once we found out what we are writing below, we gave it up and resorted to worship amongst ourselves in meetings without liturgies and order, titles and assumed leaders, programs, building funds and goofy directions dreamed up by people who have never lived in the trenches).  It goes kind of like this……

Worship in today’s church is about performance.  Don’t be offended if you believe you are a true worship musician.  You probably are.  Regardless of your heart or intent, it’s not about that, it’s about the platform.

A little history for you…Music in the church (not the worship spoken of in the Word) originated out of pagan and Roman culture in the 3rd century.  Choirs were trained and put in place to perform for the Eucharist.  Preceding Constantinople’s times, Christians were not recognized, but Constantinople actually made Christianity an honorable thing (prior to his time, Christians were persecuted).

Music in the church also fits into the traditional liturgy established partly by Paganism and partly by the Catholic Church in the 6th century (look up Will Durant) by the monk Gregory the Great.  If you study this you will find there is almost no difference between the “liturgy” or order of worship in any denomination of church as we have come to know it (Catholic or Protestant).

So now to the answer of your question:  People want what they prefer and no matter how hard you try, blending a worship will lukewarmly satisfy both sides of the fence.  Why do people prefer hymns over contemporary?  Because they associate their times of being touched by God with music.  This is human and has nothing to do with the spirit. Yet, it’s all we can do.  We resort to the grand times of the past as part of our human nature (So you want to go back to Egypt?)

Me and Deak call it “death by association”.  Typically each generation prefers the music of their youth.  Because music has such a short shelf life, you have two or three camps in any church with a large congregation.  After you endure the same people from each camp critiquing your worship every Sunday for about 10 years, you’ll come to know that it’s no use.  You cannot please man and no matter how hard you try, it will never work.  If you resort to pleasing one or the other, the ones you please will stay and the others will be disgruntled at best or simply leave and go where their preferences reside.

Hopefully you’ve made it this far and are over the fact that you’ve probably engaged in something dear to your heart, yet realize that if what we say is true, it could be all for nought.  It’s not all for nought!  If you are a true worshipper, then worship Christ outside the “church that man has built”.  Worship him in freedom outside any order man establishes or pushes on you.  Be encouraged in finding those who just want to worship, to sing a new song and not to perform.  Your personal relationship with Him is all that matters.  The confines you have experienced in this “church that man built” are extreme, debilitating and stifling.  The church of the 1st century didn’t know any of these.  Today’s generation is finding this out.

God Bless,

Deacon & Usher

Excerpts taken from Pagan Christianity?  Frank Viola George Barna (Chapters 3 and 7)Copyright 2002, 2008

Buzzard’s View of Community

July 11, 2008

Usher: So what is community to you Deak?

Deacon: Community is being a good buzzard to your felllow buzzard even if you don’t like the skunk roadkill he offers you.  And to you Usher?

Usher: Community is knowing you’re a buzzard and not trying to be a hawk!

Deacon: Community is lettin’ disgruntle and ornery birds (like you Usher) hang out in your tree

Usher: That’s goin’ a little far Deak ;(

Deacon: Shut your beak Usher and eat your roadkill!

Usher: This is what living in community is all about

Faith Insurance

June 6, 2008

Deacon:  What are you doing?

Usher: I’m studying for my MBA online

Deacon:  You’re a buzzard, what in the world do you want an MBA for?

Usher: I need faith insurance, Deak

Deacon: Never heard that term, What is faith insurance Usher?

Usher: A degree Deak, you know, a certificate that says I can get a real job, like a youth pastor

Deacon: So what’s that gonna do for you Usher?

Usher: Then I don’t have to get all stressed out about whether roadkill will show up or not

Deacon: What will that do for you?

Usher: Then all the people will buy roadkill for me Deak!

Celebration or Buzzard Beater

May 29, 2008

Deacon: Hey Usher, I didn’t see you at church yesterday?

Usher: I don’t do first Sundays Deak

Deacon: Why not?

Usher: It’s communion Sunday

Deacon: You got something against communion?

Usher: Not really – it’s the guilty meditating quiet time while you’re waiting – It’s deflating if you know what I mean

Deacon: Communion isn’t about guilt, it’s about celebration

Usher: It’s a buzzard beater for me

Gross Roadkill or Net Roadkill?

May 22, 2008

Usher: Hey Deak, What’s up?

Deacon: Hi Usher – Just got back from a budget meeting

Usher: How was that? 

Deacon: Always interesting to see how everyone thinks about where the church tithe should go

Usher: Speaking of that Deak, tell me something – Do you tithe off gross or net?

Deacon: Why Gross for sure Usher.  I don’t want to slight God, after all he says first fruits and your very best

Usher: Help me out here Deak, If I get 100 pieces of roadkill, I give 10 to the church (uh,  I mean God), then I have to give 30 to those highway-robbing tax collectors who seem to always take my best roadkill before I ever get it, and that only leaves me 60 pieces of roadkill – how’s a poor buzzard supposed to make roadkill ends meat?

Deacon: God will provide Deak, God will provide,  Gotta fly Usher – keep tithing!