Last Comic (Pastor) Standing

Usher: Hey Deak, I’ve figured out how to tolerate sermons – I actually look forward to them!

Deacon: How, I’d love to hear it!

Usher: Well, because we don’t take them seriously anyway,  I pretend the pastors are comedians

Deacon: That’s kind of hard to do when they’re dry or serious

Usher: Not really, if you can’t do anything with the sermon material (you really gotta be sleeping in most cases), then I just imagine what the people in the pews are really thinking:

Chester the Elder: “Man I wish he’d just shut up – How many different ways can a guy use to illustrate a single point?  Oh well, glad we were late and we ended up in the back – I’m starvin’ and Martha made muffins for afterwards – I’ll be the first in line for fellowship hour “

Stacey the 20-something: “I wonder if he’s wearing boxers or briefs?”

Mrs. Jones the gossip “Do you think he prayed this morning? What do you think he prayed for? – I’ll bet it went something like: “Lord, please tell Mrs. Smith I really don’t want her damned opinion on my tie, the worship or the sermon, ugh!”

Mr. Williams the CEO: “He doesn’t preach like a true Republican, I bet he’s a card-carrying liberal!

Steven the junior high youth leader: “How does the choir survive the pastor’s farts behind the pulpit?”

Mrs. James – the school superintendant: “Wonder if he was a jock, a junkie, a bully or a nerd when he was in school?”

Usher: You can text back and forth with someone and bet on things like – how long he’ll go over the 1 hour mark – We bet over and under minutes, how many people will fall asleep and when, stuff like that. 

Deacon: That’s kind of disrespectful isn’t it?

Usher: Last time I checked, respect is warranted by Christ and no other….remember Deak, the “church-that-man-built” is all about tradition, pomp and circumstance and not much else.  You and me are the real church.  Makin’ fun of what man has built is no big deal – it’s truly laughing at ourselves.  And remember, it’s all about the material, Deak, It’s all about the material.

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4 Responses to “Last Comic (Pastor) Standing”

  1. lionelwoods7 Says:

    Hey Usher!

    How are you? You know what is funny. As you mature as a Christian you are sort of left with few options.
    1. You go to seminary and become a preacher,

    2. You try to lead small group or Sunday school or some type of venue where you can lead,

    3. You just go to critique the sermon,

    4. You leave and you go some place where the priesthood of believers is practiced as least partially and where we look more like 1 Corinthians 14. Which is 9 out of 10 a house church or at least house church setting.

    Especially where there is a “high view” on expository preaching and not participatory meetings. Just my two cents. How has flying been with all of the global warming?

  2. Deacon Says:

    Flyin’ sucks – I’m so lazy! Some stupid natural law says we have to circle our prey. It’s dead for cryin’ out loud. No chance of survival when a 500 Mercedes hits it at 85 MPH.

    On your point of where is a Christian to go – the beauty of the up and coming youth is that they see the stupidity of it all and they’ve never gotten into the “church-that-man-built” at all. They see through it – they blow it off and they hang out in a Starbucks or a Panera and they function as Christians instead of “becoming” something that man tells them they must become. It’s refreshing and damn if titles or degrees or tenure have anything to do with anything. It was man that determined a degree is required to be able to be anything. Which one of the disciples had a degree that had anything to do following Christ? Rant over….

    Thanks for stoppin’ by.

    Usher

  3. Mark R Says:

    This is great!!! I am really pleased I stumbled across this site!!!! indeed I am.

  4. Deacon Says:

    Usher: Deak, it’s a fan from down under!

    Deacon: And he put up one of your shirts.

    Usher: Thanks Mark!

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