Posts Tagged ‘youth pastor’

Why Do We Go To Church, Daddy?

January 3, 2010

Usher: Hey Deak,

My buddy Short Beak stopped by my branch the other day and asked me how to answer his kid’s question – “Why do we go to church, Daddy? I thought Jesus was fun and cool, but church really sucks! I can’t stay awake for longer than 5 minutes through those windy sermons and Sunday School is full of Geritol and brown-nosers.”

Deacon: So what did you tell him?

Usher:  I told him it was his problem.  After all, he’s fallen for it all his life, and now he’s at the point of no return.  No matter what he tells his kid, his kid will see him as a hypocrite because he still goes and doesn’t feel he can change as it’s too late in life and after all, the fellowship hour has really good desserts!

Deacon:  Usher, you’re so so lame!

“Real” Reasons We Pay the Pastor…

October 6, 2008

Usher: Deak, I’m not much for payin’ pastors, but lots of today’s nuclear families are. 

Deacon: Most people think a pastor is worth his wage.  What’s your point?

Usher: Well, here are some of the real reasons we pay the pastor….

  • To buy the matzas for communion – because we don’t know which brand to buy
  • To put up with Margaret the secretary who’s there because the last pastor wrote her into the bylaws
  • Visiting “Vinny” in the hospital – we don’t know Vinny and going to the hospital smells!
  • To run the business meetings – what a waste of time – I’ll never go to one of those again!
  • To deal with Mikey the youth pastor who botched his college career and has no other way to make $$
  • To be the arbitrator between the “hymn lovers” and the “boomers” who prefer contemporary worship
  • To manage those A-personality girls who run the VBS every year – oh they are so annoying
  • To counsel Fred the “want-to-be elder” who cannot seem to ever pass up a request for prayer or a recommitment of his faith
  • To field the complaints of the blue-hairs on “what’s for Wednesday night dinner”
  • To attend the Wednesday night dinners
  • To hire all the “yes” men for the deacon board
  • To attend the leadership meetings and settle all the trivial arguments amongst the “yes” men
  • To have dinner with all the visiting missionaries - especially the translators – who can relate?
  • To counsel all the troubled wives – note we said wives – cause their husbands never come
  • To approve the worship list and settle the disputes between worship leaders
  • To read the announcements for the same 12 people who care about the announcements
  • Last but not least – to prepare the sermons I can never recall and to pray for the same 10 people who request it every week

Deacon: Your view is slightly cynical, Usher.

Usher: If you’re readin’ this, let us know what your pastor gets paid for?????

Short Term Missions (the real truth)

July 19, 2008

Usher: Look down there in the parking lot – the kids are getting back from the mission trip

Deacon: I see, I see

Usher: What do they do those trips for?

Deacon: Lots of reasons Usher, but for the most part, to tell and show the world how great we Americans are at christianity

Usher: Expound

Deacon: Well, the majority simply come back feeling good about what “they” did.  Where in the story is the community they visited and what happens when they leave?  Does this community ever hear from anyone again?

Usher: And at about $1,000 per person to travel, wouldn’t the money go a lot further if they simply gave it to the orphanages and the communities and the hospitals?

Deacon: Yep, I know for fact that all the orphanages in say Guatemala work on very tight budgets (typically funded by Americans on fixed budgets) and they typically run out of money 1/2 to 3/4 of the year and have to go begging (because so many new kids show up during the year driving the budget into the red). 

Usher: Do the churches that send these kids have any clue? 

Deacon: Yep, but they keep doing it anyway.  No adventure in sending money and no romance either.  In addition, they think so much of themselves that their misconception is that the benefit is really from them going to “help the kids”.

Usher: I know what you mean. I took a bunch of kids to an orphanage once and they couldn’t interact or relate to the fact that the kids were fine and really didn’t need their help.  In essence, the kids we took learned more about their own shortcomings than they did about missions.

Deacon: So you’re saying that they got to see that Jesus doesn’t need them to fix the world?

Usher: Quite the contrary notion huh?  Seems that the only commodity the church in America seems to have is disposable income and kids who don’t understand their own neediness.

Church Hopper (Part 3)

June 26, 2008

Deacon: Usher, how does the church survive with church hoppers?

Usher: Who says it needs to survive in the form it’s in today Deak?

Deacon: Well it has been proven for about 2000 years.

Usher: That’s up for debate, Deak.

Usher: Let’s all be real.  What is the motivation for a church to grow its membership?  Money!  It’s not furthering the kingdom.  If it were, the church wouldn’t be telling its people to give, give, give and then only offer up an occasional prayer in exchange for all their investment.

Deacon: But the church is for those who are saved, so they can grow and the church is their to disciple them.

Usher: Deak, you’re more than idealistic on that statement.  You call discipleship weak Sunday School (teachers who volunteer and are rarely taught, trained, held accountable, etc.), cushy little youth groups with watered-down curriculum or some “made-up-curriculum” from the youth pastor who’s never done a single thing in his life except go to college, get a degree (with the greatest real life application being a few week-long mission trips to a safe haven)? 

Just what if that new person visiting is a seasoned disciple, has moved into the area with a job change and is a level 8 disciple and is far more advanced in his/her knowledge of the kingdom?  He sits through a couple sermons and realizes the pastor preaches on a level of about a 2.  He leaves.  Is he a “church hopper”

Deacon: But that’s not a normal situation Usher.

Usher: Life ain’t normal, Deak.  Everyone who walks in the church is unique.  Why does the church fall into the trap of offering programs that only cater to one group of people, then preach as though everyone in the group should buy into the shallowness of it all?  People are all at different stages in their lives.  One size fits all doesn’t cut it!  Church is not about the Sunday morning service, it’s about the body life.  Yet all the money the church collects and all the effort put into raising the membership is about the show or what I call the Sunday morning demonstration: “here are our great programs, don’t miss all the announcements about our great programs” and isn’t our worship team great?  And I (the pastor) worked so hard this week to prepare this one-size-fits-all sermon “just for you”.

Church or Sunday Masquerade?

June 12, 2008

Usher: Hey Deak, you go to the masquerade yesterday?

Deacon: Usher, if you’re referring to church, why yes I did. I didn’t see you, but tell me why you’re being so irreverent?

Usher: What’s reverent about the art of deception, Deak?  Where do I start? 

“Did everyone go to the picnic last Saturday?  We had a great time of fellowship!” – pastor 

Now what the pastor really means is, we like to do stuff like this because it keeps the memberships up, satisfies the goody-goodies and it keeps our mind off the tough stuff like the15 foreclusures in the church which we couldn’t do a thing about (not to mention we got to make up the tithe, where I don’t know).  It helps me forget about the high number of parishoners who have alcohol addiction and the three teens that were arrested for drug distribution. 

“Please come by and welcome our new youth pastor, Billy with a special dinner in the fellowship hall” – pastor

I hope I got the best kid for the job.  These parents are brutal, they want everything for nothing in this place.  Maybe he will strike a better chord because quite frankly, I cannot relate to such rich lazy kids who’ve never missed a meal, carried out a chore or actually done anything but take money from their parents and shop colleges setting up their pedigreed life. 

Deacon: So what do you want the pastor to do instead?

Usher: How about talkin’ about the real stuff – then all the goody goodies will go home and never come back and the real christians (if there are any) will be the only ones left.  They say the 80/20 rule applies to churches, why not get rid of the 80 and work with the 20?  Think how far you can go only working with true disciples.

Deacon: What kind of roadkill did you eat last night?

Faith Insurance

June 6, 2008

Deacon:  What are you doing?

Usher: I’m studying for my MBA online

Deacon:  You’re a buzzard, what in the world do you want an MBA for?

Usher: I need faith insurance, Deak

Deacon: Never heard that term, What is faith insurance Usher?

Usher: A degree Deak, you know, a certificate that says I can get a real job, like a youth pastor

Deacon: So what’s that gonna do for you Usher?

Usher: Then I don’t have to get all stressed out about whether roadkill will show up or not

Deacon: What will that do for you?

Usher: Then all the people will buy roadkill for me Deak!

Shoulda’ Been a Youth Pastor

May 23, 2008

Usher: Deacon, What a rough day.  I had to compete with the roadkill truck today AND a do-good soccer mom.  There was a possum too heavy, still in one piece, and the truck picked it up before I could get 5 bites.  Then my buddy Norm called from town with a fresh coon and while we were on it, a soccer mom pulled over and picked it up and took it with her! Deak, she took it with her!

Deacon: Usher, sorry to hear that.  Tough day. Life ain’t easy.

Usher: I should have been a youth pastor Deak.  Such a life.  Go to school and have fun, get a youth pastor job at a big church and have fun.  Go on missions trips with a bunch of rich parent kids in the summer, build something for poor people and come back and boast.  Sit around at youth meetings, plan outings with lots of food and do a whole lot of nothin’ and just have fun.  AND GET PAID FOR IT! (All my school loans paid off in no time with rich people tithes)

Deacon: I think you got it wrong Usher.  Youth pastors have to work too.

Usher: Yeah, they have to preach once a year when they’re not having fun, while the other pastors are on vacation.  What a life!.  Babysittin’ rich people’s kids sure beats sniffin’ roadkill.


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