Posts Tagged ‘tithe’

Divide & Conquer

April 20, 2009

Usher:  Deak, I been told that the church is supposed to be separated from state and I don’t have a problem with that.  But how come all them humans run the church like a business?

Deacon: They are raised and taught in a “command and conquer” society where rigid guidelines and hierarchy are the norm.  (Unlike how the church was actually established around a decentralized model with not titles, no bosses and no hierarchy.)

Usher: So that’s why the pastor is the CEO, the assistant is the aggressive VP with the pedigree pursuing the career path and the sheep are mere afterthoughts?

Deacon: You go it!  They simply see church as a vocation and nothing more.  Once they find a place where they can attain control, they must build up their congregation so they can store away their retirements and 401Ks and all that crap.  The sheep are the ones who fund it all, but nothing more.

Usher: So where is God in all this?  Don’t they know that the “command and conquer” model is subject to strife, infighting and easily overthrown or divided?

Deacon:  That doesn’t really matter to them.  In fact, it plays right into their hand.  It’s because they are in it mostly for the money.  (If you took away their money, they’d leave.) When things get rough, they simply pacify the sheep with programs (crumbs) and they use the sheep money to fund it all.  Kind of interesting, eh?  In the days of the Apache, the government couldn’t tame the Apache because they were decentralized.  Killing them was actually making them multiply.  They had no chiefs and no hierarchy, they operated in circles of influence.  Destroy one circle, and two more would crop up. They were a nemesis even into the 20th century after most of the other tribes had been conquered.

Usher: How did the government finally conquer them?

Deacon: Funny you should ask.  They gave the spiritual leaders (who operated just like al qaeda cell group leaders), the Nant’ans – cattle.  With this brought prestige and a pecking order and voila!  In just a few years, the Apaches were tamed and living out their lives in reservations with cows and booze!

Usher: Kind of like dumb Christians going to church every Sunday and doing just what the pastor wants in exchange for babysitting, donuts and coffee?  And all at the expense of the sheep?

Deacon: Most people would say your depiction is a little harsh, but you get the picture….

Usher: Wow, don’t the sheep know that if they simply stop going, all of the corruption will stop? They don’t need these greedy blokes to pacify them and lull them into a false sense of security.  And if they sat and did the math and realized that all that “tithe” is just funding the 401K and paying for the home of some money-grubbing pastor, why won’t they walk away?

Deacon: The oldest and largest companies in the world are insurance companies.  They sell peace-of-mind and nothing more.  Sheep are dumb and they will pay anything for someone to tell them everything is “gonna be all right”.

What the $#@%^ were they thinkin!!!!

February 5, 2009

Usher: Deak, check out this story and please tell me these guys aren’t that stupid!!!!

At least 24 churches in southeast Michigan and 176 nationwide are victims of what their lawyers said is a multimillion-dollar scam that promised educational video terminals at no cost but instead drained several churches’ treasuries and now threatens some with the loss of their buildings.  Read the whole story…

Deacon: I can’t disagree with you on this one kid.  Imagine if they spent time praying instead of listening to some scam artist selling them technology and the “newest” thing….

Usher: It’s actually brilliant – If the government can bilk all of these people out of their life savings and then give it all back to the banks in the stimulus, why can’t these crooks bilk the churches out of all their future revenue?  No stone left unturned…

Mommy, can we go to Sunday School?

January 27, 2009

Usher: Deak, in reference to an earlier post   Blind Faith     take a look at these:

A 44-year-old married father of six who teaches Sunday school at a Corona church is facing criminal charges for allegedly molesting a 12-year-old girl in 2003.

Prosecutors say John Calvin Savage taught the girl in Sunday school at Grace Baptist Church, and touched her inappropriately when she visited his Ontario home to perform chores.  read more…

Sunday school teacher accused of molesting children pleads guilty

August 21st, 2008, 7:58 pm · 3 Comments · posted by Eddi Trevizo

A Sunday school teacher who sexually molested two young girls at a Chandler church, pled guilty to several charges against him Thursday.  read more…

Terrell teacher accused of abusing additional students

 12:00 AM CDT on Thursday, June 19, 2008

 By STEVE THOMPSON / The Dallas Morning News
sthompson@dallasnews.com

 TERRELL – A popular third-grade teacher at J.W. Long Elementary School has been accused of sexually assaulting three of his students, and police say they have reason to believe he has assaulted others.

Salvador Mata, 51, was arrested Sunday on one count of sexual assault of a child and held in the Kaufman County Jail. Officials announced two more counts Wednesday, setting his bail at $750,000.

“We have information that leads us to believe there are additional victims, possibly from other years,” said Terrell police Chief Todd A. Miller, asking parents with any suspicions to step forward. “This investigation is by no means over.”

Mr. Mata was teaching English as a second language at the school and has worked at the district since 2000, school officials say. He has also taught Sunday school at First Baptist Church of Terrell.  read more…

Deacon: Why is it so widespread?  Do people really not get it? What are pastors thinking?

Usher: Pastors are often lack in these areas.  After all, priority is not Sunday School.  Sunday School is a program to attract new members, and babysit kids while they collect the tithe from the naive.

Deacon: Don’t these people know that the Sunday School is one of the most powerful tools in that nearly 66% of all choose Christ before they’re teenagers?  See statistics here…

Usher: You’d think they’d have figured that out by now…But then again, pastors are more concerned with appeasing the adults in exchange for their livelihood than they are in winning souls….if this isn’t proof, then I don’t know what is!

Saddleback One Card!

December 22, 2008

Usher: Hey Deak, did you get your new Saddleback One Card?

Deacon: What on earth are you talking about?

Usher: It’s a new promotion by Warren’s church.  You can now get points based on how much you tithe, how many sermons you buy from their store and for regular attendance!

Deacon: You can’t be serious.  What on earth would you use points in church for?

Usher: Are you kidding me Deak?  I can get free schmultsy Christian CDs based on how much tithe I give.  No one will ever know.  I just swipe my card at those cool ATM (automatic tithing machines) in the foyer and it’ll secretly record my points and send me a statement.  Grand prize is box seats right up front so I can see Rick and his team, possibly get his autograph and if I can accrue 10,000 bonus points, I can have lunch with him!

Deacon: You’ve got to be off your perch there Usher.

Usher:  I’m opting for a picture of Rick on my card, during his invocation with Barack Obama…..I fell blessed.

When the Backbone of Consumerism dies….

December 16, 2008

Usher: I been thinkin’ Deak, about what is going to happen when consumerism ceases to be the backbone of this country.

Deacon: You think it will ever happen?

Usher: It’s inevitable. The bubble is bursting.  Madoff is enough to prove this.  Here’s a guy who’s been running a Ponzi scheme right under Wall Street’s nose for nearly 40 years!  They actually made him head of Nasdaq – how’s that for executive accountability!  The government  rebuilt it (using socialism techniques) after the first depression, but it might just be too big and unmanageable to build back this time.  Too many people, too much crisis, not enough resources 70 years later.  Other countries have tried to copy the US consumerist model and have either failed or are failing (Japan (deflation), Iraq (democracy), Russia (pseudo commudemocracy), countries in Central America & Africa (who knows what their version is called).

Deacon: So how will the “christians” respond when they:

  • watch their “pastors” leave for congregations for more money
  • are forced to meet in buildings with no steeples, no heat, no electricity, no flat screens and no PA systems 
  • have nothing in the treasury to help the poor who show up and they have to share their food, clothing and housing with the undesirables
  • forego tithe to feed their families or possibly their neighbors
  • are not be able to pay back their creditors because there are no jobs or hope of jobs
  • are forced to forgive those who have borrowed money from them and who they know will never be able to pay them back
  • have paid all their bills on time, have great credit and are still ruined because of what Wall Street has done
  • spend most of their day fending for food instead of shopping for things that end up in yard sales or landfills
  • go to the landfill to find things to sell for food
  • stop preaching about the good life to come when it’s obvious it has passed
  • drive around in cars that are uninsured and unpaid for – but no one to repossess them
  • bury their dead in pine boxes in holes they dig with their Home Depot shovels
  • lose their churches to banks and lenders who either tear them down or board them up and fence them off
  • end up living two or three to a room because there are no more jobs and no money and nowhere to eat out or shop….
  • wake up to find squatters living in their garages, yards, barns, sheds or cars
  • use their sports stadiums as shelters
  • are forced to teach their own children because the governments go broke and the schools have all closed
  • or their relatives/friends/brethren are put in jail for failing to pay their taxes and debt
  • are turned in by their neighbors, falsely accused of petty crimes in exchange for food and favors
  • are falsely accused of helping people who the government has blacklisted or cast out
  • have to work every waking hour just to eat and fend for those who cannot hunt for food
  • have no government to decide matters and have to carry out their own courts and judgments
  • cannot get a job with their Ivy League pedigrees or their careers were founded on the model of consumerism
  • are forced to beg for food or money to buy food as the only paying jobs are dishonest, illegal or predatory
  • are asked to leave their neighborhoods because their wealthy neighbors are no longer accepting of them, now that they’re poor
  • look out the window and see American “refugees” in droves walking down the highway heading nowhere because they have been turned away and have no money, no home, no car and no job

Deacon: I think you’re a little over-the-top Usher. 

Usher: Really?  So tell me where all the people who are losing their homes going to live?  They couldn’t pay a mortgage, what makes you think they can afford a rental (now owned by wealthy predators).  Will the christians take them in or send them to the government for help?

“It’s Just Church”

November 20, 2008

Usher: Hey Deak, I think I’ve got the perfect out for pastors!

Deack: Why do pastors need an out?

Usher: Because they all use different biblical excuses to back their choices, cover up their real motives and snow the church goers.  They need to be just like the CEOs of our great capitalistic country and tell everyone the same thing in response to any decision that the congregation might disagree with.

Deacon: And what’s that?

Usher: See below…

Layperson: Pastor, how come you built a bigger building and more classrooms instead of giving more money to the mission field?

Pastor:  You have to understand that this is what the people demand of us.  They wanted more programs and better facilities for their privileged children, after all “It’s just church”

Layperson: Pastor, I understand you’re stopping the homeless ministry in light of increasing the choir budget and adding a new addition onto the chapel. 

Pastor: We really don’t have the resources to help the homeless.  There are much more qualified services that are offered by the state.  It’s really not our calling.  We are not the answer to today’s social demise, after all, “we’re only a church”.

Layperson: Pastor, can we sponsor the orphanage infrastructure project so they can have clean drinking water and a working septic system?  If we forego the mission trip ($1500/kid x 30 kids) and simply give the money directly to the orphanage, they can hire local companies to do the work that has been needed for 5 years.

Pastor: We’ve already committed to the mission trip.  I’m afraid this type of change would be too disruptive to the plans everyone has made for the trip.  Maybe next year.  After all, we can’t fix the world, “we’re only one church”.

…if the Church recognized Missionaries

October 12, 2008

This is response from a comment by Vanity of Vanities….great question by the way!

Usher: Hey Deak, you got a response for Vanity of Vanities?

Deacon: Once again Usher, the overall understanding of missionaries is that they are weak, needy, dependent and obliged to come back to their church with their hat in hand begging for support.

Usher: Isn’t that what missionaries are to most churches?

Deacon: To most churches – that is exactly what the churches have made the missionaries out to be.  Because mission funds are just another program and the church simply does it because they’ve been told that that’s the right thing to do.  Missionaries are almost never a priority especially with the pastor.  If they were, the pastor would have to give up more of his money.  But today’s church has made them such a minority in the areas of finance, that they are supported separate from the church tithe with special offerings.  As you and I are not supporters of the 10% tithe, then one might ask, where would support dollars come from to support the missionaries?  From the congregation of course! 

Usher: I get it.  The congregation has no part in interacting with the missionaries, or getting their hands dirty. The pastor either hoards all the time with the missionary family or simply defaults to it because the congregation has no interest or simply doesn’t validate the role of the missionary other than coming back to the church to beg for money every so often!  Wow, if the pastors only knew that by not making the congregation aware of the true roles of the missionary, they end up simply throwing all of the onus back onto him!  And now he’s simply a jack-of-all-ministries and master-of-none!

Deacon: If one were to rebuild this thinking, they would simply do away with the tithe, spend time getting to know the missionaries in their body, work towards contributing to the cause of the missionary, send the pastor out to tent-making school and the church would once again flourish.  A church could actually further the kingdom by supporting missionaries who are out making disciples instead of lame marketing schemes carried out by the modern church that don’t have a chance other than to grow programs.

Usher: Ain’t gonna happen!  Man won’t change until God brings about disaster and takes away all the chocolates!  We need another Egypt or fall of Rome or something to wake the church up.  Till then, they’ll simply sit around and debate.

Deacon: Kind of like what we’re doing?

Usher: Hey, if one set of ears hears it and makes a true change in their way of thinking – we could have a revolution!  And missionaries would be seen as warriors instead of pitiful little beggars as we have made them out to be.

Pastors – Legitimate or Not?

September 23, 2008

Usher: Deak, what are your thoughts on Frank Viola’s book Pagan Christianity? as it relates to the role of the pastor?  If a pastor’s role is simply pagan, and the church continues to practice mostly pagan rituals (including tithing), how does one go about justifying giving their lives to the pastorate? How does one continue to operate as a pastor knowing that Christ does not recognize the pastor as head of the church?  See page 181…

A further peril of the paid pastorate is that it produces clergy who feel “stuck” in the pastorate because they believe they lack employable skills.  “I (Frank) personally know a good number of pastors who felt convicted to leave the minstry.  All of their schooling and training had been dedicated to studying and preaching the Bible.  While those skills are noteworthy, they are of limited appeal in the secular job market.  The major hurdle they now face is forging a new career to support their families.  A friend of mine, an ex-pastor himself, is writing a booklet on how pastors can find employment and enter new careers after leaving the clergy system.  His ideas are not based on theory. ….. Even so, it is exceedingly difficult for many contemporary pastors to acknowledge the lack of scriptural support for their office simply because they are financially dependent upon it.  As Upton Sinclair once said, “It is difficult to get a man to understand something when his salary depends upon his not understanding it.”  No wonder it takes a person of tremendous courage and faith to step out of the pastorate.  Unfortunately, most of us are deeply naiive about the overwhelming power of the religious system.  It is a faceless system that does not tire of chewing up and spitting out its own.” – Pagan Christianity?  Frank Viola & George Barna

Deacon: How would you feel if you actually were in those shoes?  What would you say to your wife and kids when you came home with that conviction?  Would you claim that your choice was naiive and based on your knowledge at that time?  What would you do with the rest of your life?  Would you be willing to sacrifice all that you had worked for in exchange for a clean set of convictions?  What if you were 40+ years old and had no resourceful ways in which to figure out another method of providing for your family?

Usher: Maybe I’d just continue to take advantage of the poor and naiive of the church simply out of fear?  Is it any different from inheriting a fortune from my father’s moonshine business and then go on to become president of the United States.  Does that make the money clean or justify the actions of my father and how he obtained the riches?

Deacon: Careful, you’re stepping on the toes of a lot of powerful people with that one, oh provocative buzzard.  I’m not sure I want to be on the same branch of your tree when certain people read this post.

Usher: It still doesn’t make it right.  I feel for people who make choices based on limited knowledge or incorrect knowledge, but God knows and he allowed it.  How much more valiant would it be for a person to come clean and confess such a conviction?  What if it became a movement?

Deacon: If pastors came to terms with this issue, it would destroy the modern church.  Debate would incur and those against it would rationalize it away for fear of losing everything they had worked for.  I would venture to say that in any kind of volume it would bring massive disruption and in the end, major revival to the body (not the modern church), but the body of Christ, the believers.  But man will not do it, it must be brought about via calamity, hardship or both.

Usher: How refreshing it would be to know that gathering to share in our lives with Christ would be something other than listening to one man’s current interpretation of his one-sided relationship.  When will people truly figure out that it’s not following man, it’s following Christ together?  It’s a corporate experience, not an oratory!

Deacon: Relax Usher, you don’t have to get so trumped up about it.  Man has followed man since the beginning of time and will continue to want a king on earth, a leader to tell him what to do and someone to think on his behalf.

True Confessions of a Faithful Tither, Kandise Lucas, PhD

September 2, 2008

Usher: Hey Deak, I stumbled upon this and I just cannot help sharing it.  She states it so eloquently! 

Deacon: Something got into you Usher?  You’re using suave words?  Don’t go getting civilied on us now!

Usher: What can I say, she’s a PhD – I’ve risen to the occasion just for once!

“Senator Grassley’s most recent actions have compelled me to make a confession as a mega church member. He is exposing what an increasing amount of us have known for years. These “CEO-Pastor- Reverend-Doctor’s” have been fleecing the flock for years.  For them, money does matter, in fact it is the only thing that matters.”  Read the whole post here.

“It was at that point that I realized that I was giving to make a man, his family, and his friends wealthy, not to further God’s purpose.  This realization, as devastating as it was to know that church leaders would take advantage of  generous givers in such a selfish manner, led me to rethink and restudy the concept of tithing.”  Read the whole post here.

Written by Kandise Lucas, PhD

Megachurch Finances – How Much Money?

August 31, 2008

Usher: OK Deak, here’s the first in a series of megachurch economics (I know, I’m a day late).  We’ll touch on lots of things, but here’s a little food for thought for those who attend, give and endorse (and those who don’t) these types of institutions referred to as “megachurches“.

Facts from our last post on tithing:  5% of today’s churchgoers actually tithe, the average church is 50-301 people & the average salary for a pastor of a church of this size is $72K.  At a median income of 48K (US Census 2007), All a pastor has to do is grow the congregation to 300, have 5% faithful tithers (15 salaries) and he’s making 150% more than his faithful tithers!

Let’s move to Megachurches (churches with the top 10 numbers in attendance weekly in the US).  Here are the top 10

1. Lakewood Church, Houston Texas – Joel Osteen (47,000)
2. Willow Creek Community Church, South Barrington, Ill. – Bill Hybels (23,500)
3. Second Baptist Church, Houston – Ed Young Sr. (23,198)
4. Saddleback Church, Lake Forest, Calif. – Rick Warren (22,000)
5. LifeChurch.tv, Edmond, Okla. – Craig Groeschel (19,907)
6. Southeast Christian Church, Louisville, Ky. – Dave Stone (18,013)
7. North Point Church, Alpharetta, Ga. – Andy Stanley (17,700)
8. Thomas Road Baptist Church, Lynchburg, Va. – Jonathan Falwell (17.445)
9. Calvary Chapel Fort Lauderdale, Fort Lauderdale, Fla. – Bob Coy (17,000)
10. The Potter’s House, Dallas – T.D. Jakes (17,000)

Let’s just take weekly and yearly income and do the numbers based on the data we used in the last study:

Top 10 Megachurches and their weekly attendance figures Attendance 5% tithe  $   48,200.00 weekly net yearly net
1. Lakewood 
47000 2350  $   48,200.00  $    2,178,269.23  $ 113,270,000.00
2. Willow Creek  23500 1175  $   48,200.00  $    1,089,134.62  $    56,635,000.00
3. Second Baptist  23198 1160  $   48,200.00  $    1,075,138.08  $    55,907,180.00
4. Saddleback  22999 1150  $   48,200.00  $    1,065,915.19  $    55,427,590.00
5. LifeChurch.tv 19907 995  $   48,200.00  $         922,612.88  $    47,975,870.00
6. Southeast  18013 901  $   48,200.00  $         834,833.27  $    43,411,330.00
7. North Point 17700 885  $   48,200.00  $         820,326.92  $    42,657,000.00
8. Thomas Road  17445 872  $   48,200.00  $         808,508.65  $    42,042,450.00
9. Calvary Chapel  17000 850  $   48,200.00  $         787,884.62  $    40,970,000.00
10. Potter’s House

17000 850  $   48,200.00  $         787,884.62  $    40,970,000.00
 $ 10,370,508.08  $ 539,266,420.00

Usher: This does not include offerings, special offerings, building fund drives, missionary giving or special giving when it comes to programs or events. Numbers on these things are nearly impossible to obtain as there are no constant criteria with which to measure.  So Deak, could you manage a church on say, 787,884.62 per week?  Other questions:

1. If you had a congregation of this size, why would you not continue to ask for money any time it is needed?

2. If you didn’t have to publish your finances, why would you? (Mr. Grassley has the same question)

3. Even independent surveys are confidential and sold to those who want them with all of the names scrubbed.  If men of God aren’t doing anything wrong, then why won’t they come out with the real numbers? (another Senator Grassley question)

4. Just how much money should a great orator pastor put in his pocket as fruits of his labor? (Kenny, Creflo, Richard, Joyce and Benny all seem to think there’s no limit to that number.)

5. Here’s a megachurch that did post its numbers and the blogger gives them kudos for posting it but that’s about all: Neo-Baptist

More of “Here’s Where Your Tithe Goes” (in the pastor’s pocket)

August 29, 2008

Usher: Hey Deak, do you think a church with between 100 – 300 people is succesful?

Deacon: That’s a matter of opinion I would guess.  My opinion would be below average and the guy needs to do a lot more than he’s doing…

Usher:  Wrong again!  The average church size in America is 51 – 300 people.   How much does the average pastor make with a church of 101 – 300 people?  (Answer: According to this survey, churches that draw 101 to 300 people each week pay senior pastors $72,664 per year, including benefits)

Given the fact that only 5% of adults tithe according to the Barna Group study, here’s the brutal truth of tithing:

If 5% of the congregation of 300 people give and they average the median income of the United States of $48,200 US Census report  that means that 15 families of the church give 10% of their tithe.  Assuming they give on their gross incomes, 15 x $48,200 = $723,000. 

Summary:  15 families are supporting the pastor’s full salary and benefits!  With this said, do you think they know this?  Of course not!  They simply put the money in their cute little envelope, tolerate his (in most cases) poorly-prepared sermons and come back next week to do it again. 

Deacon: Do you think if they knew, they might expect more accountability?

Usher: Uh…..yeah!  You go to McDonald’s and 285 other families line up behind you and ask you to pay the bill!  I think I’d demand a little bit better explanation as to why the church isn’t doing more with my God’s money!

Deacon: So what’s with all the megachurches and what exactly are they doing with all the extra?

Usher: Stay tuned, I’ve got a little more research to do, I’ll write about that tomorrow.

If you’re Creflo’s disciple, your tithe bought a Rolls Royce!

August 17, 2008

Usher: Hey Deak, check this NY Times article out on church finances

Deacon: I read it.  So how does a megachurch televangelist determine what is excessive?

Usher: I think a Rolls Royce might be considered excessive…..but then again, I’m just a buzzard

The Associated Press
Published: November 11, 2007

 

ATLANTA: An Atlanta megachurch took in $69 million (€47 million) in 2006, according to a financial statement the church’s minister released in response to a Senate investigation into him and five other well-known televangelists.

The Rev. Creflo Dollar disclosed the World Changers Church International’s financial information to The Atlanta Journal-Constitution, but said the money he spends is his own.

Dollar said his income comes from personal investments, including businesses and real estate ventures. But the church gave him a Rolls Royce, which he mainly uses for special occasions, he said.

“Without a doubt, my life is not average,” he said. “But I’d like to say, just because it is excessive doesn’t necessarily mean it’s wrong.”

This is Where Your Tithe Goes!

August 15, 2008

Usher: Hey Deak, check these posts out – they’re for real!  It’s for real.  I promise!

Deacon: Hmmmmm.  And I thought you were just making those T-shirt stats up!

http://www.highlandadventist.org/Where%20Does%20the%20Tithe%20Go.pdf  (15% goes to ministry – all else goes into someone’s pocket for the 15% of ministry they render!)  This is the highest percentage of ministry/total budget of them all!   Pastor, retirement, staff and education for staff = 85% of budget!

http://www.plymouth-church.com/financial/YTD_Budget_Report.PDF  (They have 100,000 in the bank and spend more on building insurance and utilities than they do in youth ministry and all charities combined!)

http://www.scribd.com/doc/1739005/QHPC-Annual-Report-07?query2=church%20ministry%20budget%202006%202007%202008  (Check out page 17 – less than $5,000 is spent on outreach and education combined form a total budget of $127,000!!!!)

http://www.orucc.org/wp-content/uploads/copy-of-2007-2008-budget-1-10-2008.pdf  (This is the most giving church – they commit a whopping $45,000 from a total budget of $331,000!)

http://www.highpointlw.com/library/AnnualReport2007.pdf  ($43,000 in ministry on a budget of $455,000!)

http://www.saintbartholomews.org/2007budgetpresentation.pdf ($10,000 in ministry and programs on a total budget of $130,000 – clergy gets almost $60,000 tax free dollars!)

How Not to Win Friends and Influence Pastors ;)

August 14, 2008

Usher: Deak, I put together some buzzard questions for my friends…

Deacon: And what are these for?

Usher: They’re the questions you save until you’re really ready to be kicked out of the nest, I mean church…

Pastor, do you tithe, and if so – how much?

Where Pastor, in the word does it say that the pastor is the head of the church?

Why did you go to Harvard to become a shepherd? 

How come you preach on a 4th grade level and refuse to serve anything but milk and cookies?

Tell me why you require membership.  Am I not a member of the kingdom when I accept Christ?

How much of my tithe actually goes towards furthering the kingdom?

Why do we have youth pastors?  Wouldn’t babysitters serve the same purpose?

How is it that every time the church needs money, you ask for it from the laypeople?

What church would you really like to be head of and what’s your career path to get there?

How come all your elders are “Yes men”?

How come you never preach about things like drugs, alcoholism, pornography, poverty in the church, spousal abuse?

How come you drive a brand new car every three years?

How many hours a day do you actually pray for your congregation?

You say that the Bible has all the answers, how come you refer people with “real” problems to “professional” help?

Show me where tithe is substantiated without using an old testament scripture and in context?

 

Pastor Pastor Oh won’t you tell me please…

August 9, 2008

Usher: Hey Deak, I wrote a rap, can you add the music?

 

Deacon: Aw Usher, I’m a buzzard, I can’t sing

 

Usher: Do your best Deak, here are the words……

 

Pastor Pastor, Oh won’t you tell me please

Why you take so much money from the least of these

Don’t the scriptures say that what you do for them

You do unto Him……

 

Pastor Pastor Oh won’t you please explain

Why you’re rarely here when they cry out in pain

Don’t the scriptures say that what you do for them

You do unto Him….

 

Constantine would be proud of the church of today

Where all who come are encouraged to pay

Where men are exalted by the stories they tell

The pagan tradition is alive and well

 

Programs are bait and marketing prose is king

Big pretty buildings scream bling bling bling

Sermons are published and sold for great gains

As pastors travel the circuit in their private planes

 

For some odd reason, the laypeople stay mum

Every Sunday morning they continue to come

To practice tradition and listen some more

And fund the dreams of the pastor, while ignoring the poor

 

An Image of caring and concern, pastors portray

But when times get tough, they call the laymen to pray

And when money is requested for the poor, the budget is suddenly low

Oh where does the tithe of the poor people go?

 

But why fight it, why can’t we all join in the fun

We’ll go to Christian college, get a degree and with pride we can beam

We can all be appointed to a church of our own

And fleece the poor and naiive while we fund our own American dream

 

And when we approach our maker at the end of our reign

We’ll all proclaim how successful we’ve been

How we furthered the kingdom with our big pretty chapels

How we encouraged the laymen to care for the sick while we vacationed with our families

How we taught them to give to the poor because we used their money to buy our jets

How we used all the funds to fund programs to attract bigger and bigger crowds

To publish more books and sermons and and and and and……

 

You fill in the blanks…….

 

Copyright: Deacon & Usher Productions (hehe)

Deacon & Usher T-Shirts 5

August 5, 2008

Deacon: Usher, where you been?  People have been dropping by to see more Tees and you disappeared!

Usher: Sorry Deak, was getting Tee-block and needed some new material – Sunday morning did it!

Deacon: Did what?

Usher: Brought back my creative juices……..

Which theatre do you prefer?

Which theatre do you prefer?

Deacon & Usher T-Shirts #4

July 30, 2008

Deacon: Usher, you tone things down a little tonight?

Usher: No why?

Deacon: Your idea of church doesn’t line up with the majority you know…

Usher: Some people can’t see the “church” for the church Deak as in T-shirt #1:

Anyone can attend church - Can you Do Church?

Anyone can attend church - Can you Do Church?

 

Just how much does he give?

Just how much does he give?

Deacon & Usher T-Shirts Cont’d

July 29, 2008

Usher: Hey Deak, you have fun answerin’ all the emails about the shirts?

Deacon: Not really Usher, you’re not making any friends

Usher: Friends?  Show me a buzzard with more than one friend and I’ll show you a hungry buzzard!

The Three Perpetual States to Church Growth

The Three Perpetual States to Church Growth

 

Who Should Pay Whom?

Who Should Pay Whom?

Deacon & Usher T-Shirts

July 27, 2008

Usher; Hey Deak, I’ve been puttin’ some of our stuff on shirts.

Deacon: Yeah, like what?

Usher: Here’s a  few:

Christ not church

Christ not church

 

Where your tithe really goes!

Where your tithe really goes!

 

 

Pastor or Christ

Pastor or Christ

Deacon: You’re gonna take some heat from those Usher, but you know that.
Usher: Hey Deak, hot is my middle name – hot roadkill, hot asphalt, so what’s new?

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