Posts Tagged ‘sermon’

Why Do We Go To Church, Daddy?

January 3, 2010

Usher: Hey Deak,

My buddy Short Beak stopped by my branch the other day and asked me how to answer his kid’s question – “Why do we go to church, Daddy? I thought Jesus was fun and cool, but church really sucks! I can’t stay awake for longer than 5 minutes through those windy sermons and Sunday School is full of Geritol and brown-nosers.”

Deacon: So what did you tell him?

Usher:  I told him it was his problem.  After all, he’s fallen for it all his life, and now he’s at the point of no return.  No matter what he tells his kid, his kid will see him as a hypocrite because he still goes and doesn’t feel he can change as it’s too late in life and after all, the fellowship hour has really good desserts!

Deacon:  Usher, you’re so so lame!

Pastors – Legitimate or Not?

September 23, 2008

Usher: Deak, what are your thoughts on Frank Viola’s book Pagan Christianity? as it relates to the role of the pastor?  If a pastor’s role is simply pagan, and the church continues to practice mostly pagan rituals (including tithing), how does one go about justifying giving their lives to the pastorate? How does one continue to operate as a pastor knowing that Christ does not recognize the pastor as head of the church?  See page 181…

A further peril of the paid pastorate is that it produces clergy who feel “stuck” in the pastorate because they believe they lack employable skills.  “I (Frank) personally know a good number of pastors who felt convicted to leave the minstry.  All of their schooling and training had been dedicated to studying and preaching the Bible.  While those skills are noteworthy, they are of limited appeal in the secular job market.  The major hurdle they now face is forging a new career to support their families.  A friend of mine, an ex-pastor himself, is writing a booklet on how pastors can find employment and enter new careers after leaving the clergy system.  His ideas are not based on theory. ….. Even so, it is exceedingly difficult for many contemporary pastors to acknowledge the lack of scriptural support for their office simply because they are financially dependent upon it.  As Upton Sinclair once said, “It is difficult to get a man to understand something when his salary depends upon his not understanding it.”  No wonder it takes a person of tremendous courage and faith to step out of the pastorate.  Unfortunately, most of us are deeply naiive about the overwhelming power of the religious system.  It is a faceless system that does not tire of chewing up and spitting out its own.” – Pagan Christianity?  Frank Viola & George Barna

Deacon: How would you feel if you actually were in those shoes?  What would you say to your wife and kids when you came home with that conviction?  Would you claim that your choice was naiive and based on your knowledge at that time?  What would you do with the rest of your life?  Would you be willing to sacrifice all that you had worked for in exchange for a clean set of convictions?  What if you were 40+ years old and had no resourceful ways in which to figure out another method of providing for your family?

Usher: Maybe I’d just continue to take advantage of the poor and naiive of the church simply out of fear?  Is it any different from inheriting a fortune from my father’s moonshine business and then go on to become president of the United States.  Does that make the money clean or justify the actions of my father and how he obtained the riches?

Deacon: Careful, you’re stepping on the toes of a lot of powerful people with that one, oh provocative buzzard.  I’m not sure I want to be on the same branch of your tree when certain people read this post.

Usher: It still doesn’t make it right.  I feel for people who make choices based on limited knowledge or incorrect knowledge, but God knows and he allowed it.  How much more valiant would it be for a person to come clean and confess such a conviction?  What if it became a movement?

Deacon: If pastors came to terms with this issue, it would destroy the modern church.  Debate would incur and those against it would rationalize it away for fear of losing everything they had worked for.  I would venture to say that in any kind of volume it would bring massive disruption and in the end, major revival to the body (not the modern church), but the body of Christ, the believers.  But man will not do it, it must be brought about via calamity, hardship or both.

Usher: How refreshing it would be to know that gathering to share in our lives with Christ would be something other than listening to one man’s current interpretation of his one-sided relationship.  When will people truly figure out that it’s not following man, it’s following Christ together?  It’s a corporate experience, not an oratory!

Deacon: Relax Usher, you don’t have to get so trumped up about it.  Man has followed man since the beginning of time and will continue to want a king on earth, a leader to tell him what to do and someone to think on his behalf.

“Tear Down & Destroy”

September 19, 2008

Deacon: Usher, I got a call, a very threatening one I might add, claiming that you are seeking simply to “tear down and destroy” the church.  No church is perfect, so why do you go to such ends to derail an imperfect vessel?

Usher: Everything is imperfect Deak, so are you saying one shouldn’t speak out against anything because it’s all imperfect?

Deacon: Be reasonable Usher.  You are attacking people and their attempt to obey the word and follow God in the best way they know how.

Usher: So if they are being led about by those who are simply out for your money to pay for their exravagant lifestyles (as in Creflo admitted he lives an extravagant lifestyle but see no wrong in it), we should just let them keep on giving while their houses are foreclosed on and they end up being a ward of the state and its social system?  Tell me what scriptures ratify that type of thinking?

Deacon: But people don’t see it as an attack on the church, they take it personal.

Usher: If the shoe fits, wear it.  If you’re the pastor taking their money, then fess up and stop! If you’re the sheep funding their preposterous and often lascivious lifestyle, then you fess up and stop!  Both parties are wrong, the system is wrong and so let it be challenged.  And about your “best way they know how”, here’s my response – “the road to hell is paved with good intentions”.

Pastor Pastor Oh won’t you tell me please…

August 9, 2008

Usher: Hey Deak, I wrote a rap, can you add the music?

 

Deacon: Aw Usher, I’m a buzzard, I can’t sing

 

Usher: Do your best Deak, here are the words……

 

Pastor Pastor, Oh won’t you tell me please

Why you take so much money from the least of these

Don’t the scriptures say that what you do for them

You do unto Him……

 

Pastor Pastor Oh won’t you please explain

Why you’re rarely here when they cry out in pain

Don’t the scriptures say that what you do for them

You do unto Him….

 

Constantine would be proud of the church of today

Where all who come are encouraged to pay

Where men are exalted by the stories they tell

The pagan tradition is alive and well

 

Programs are bait and marketing prose is king

Big pretty buildings scream bling bling bling

Sermons are published and sold for great gains

As pastors travel the circuit in their private planes

 

For some odd reason, the laypeople stay mum

Every Sunday morning they continue to come

To practice tradition and listen some more

And fund the dreams of the pastor, while ignoring the poor

 

An Image of caring and concern, pastors portray

But when times get tough, they call the laymen to pray

And when money is requested for the poor, the budget is suddenly low

Oh where does the tithe of the poor people go?

 

But why fight it, why can’t we all join in the fun

We’ll go to Christian college, get a degree and with pride we can beam

We can all be appointed to a church of our own

And fleece the poor and naiive while we fund our own American dream

 

And when we approach our maker at the end of our reign

We’ll all proclaim how successful we’ve been

How we furthered the kingdom with our big pretty chapels

How we encouraged the laymen to care for the sick while we vacationed with our families

How we taught them to give to the poor because we used their money to buy our jets

How we used all the funds to fund programs to attract bigger and bigger crowds

To publish more books and sermons and and and and and……

 

You fill in the blanks…….

 

Copyright: Deacon & Usher Productions (hehe)

Cut & Paste Comforters (Job’s Friend)

August 7, 2008

Usher: Hey Deak – another cut & paste preacher using whatever scripture fits for her sermon:

Taken from a site in blogsphere:

When the authorities come and take your children, your freedom and your possions: = Keep your Tongue – (1 Peter 3:10-11, James 3:2-14)

When loved ones die at the hands of evil: = Encourage others (Romans 14:19)

When the gang on the block shoots a child in your neighborhood – Don’t allow the actions of others to determine how you will treat them (Romans 12:16-19)

When your parent molests you and ruins your life and everything intimate – Get rid of bitterness (Hebrews 12:14-15)

When a business partner chooses to partner with the solution that supports his point of view instead of yours and breaks the partnership sending you to the poor house – Be a Peacemaker (James 3:17-18 )

When you are left with nothing and you and your family have been put out on the street – Realize that we have peace with God (Romans 5:1-2)

When your husband comes home and tells you he’s having an affair and he’s going to leave you and your kids – Control your thoughts (Phil 4:4-9, 2 Cor 10: 3-5, Isaiah 26:3)

When 911 takes your husband and you are left a widow, a single mom and you have no pedigree to pursue the only life you have ever known – Let Peace Rule in your life (Col 3:15)

Deacon: When will these people ever get that they don’t have the answers? Not one single answer for what God is doing in an individual’s life!  Taking scripture out of context and giving people 10 steps is the most idiotic thing a pastor can do.  She should rename herself  “Job’s friend”.

Deacon & Usher T-Shirts 5

August 5, 2008

Deacon: Usher, where you been?  People have been dropping by to see more Tees and you disappeared!

Usher: Sorry Deak, was getting Tee-block and needed some new material – Sunday morning did it!

Deacon: Did what?

Usher: Brought back my creative juices……..

Which theatre do you prefer?

Which theatre do you prefer?

Deacon & Usher T-Shirts

July 27, 2008

Usher; Hey Deak, I’ve been puttin’ some of our stuff on shirts.

Deacon: Yeah, like what?

Usher: Here’s a  few:

Christ not church

Christ not church

 

Where your tithe really goes!

Where your tithe really goes!

 

 

Pastor or Christ

Pastor or Christ

Deacon: You’re gonna take some heat from those Usher, but you know that.
Usher: Hey Deak, hot is my middle name – hot roadkill, hot asphalt, so what’s new?

Deacon & Usher’s reply to Cake or Death

July 12, 2008

Bad cartoon sermon

http://cakeordeathcartoon.wordpress.com/ 

______________________________________________________________________________

Usher: Deak, I think I’ve got a response for this one

Deacon: And……

Usher: You pastors are so lazy, you make us all wonder if you’ll ever come to church with a sermon you haven’t taken from somebody else……

Deacon: Touche…..Touche…..

McChurch – Limited Time Offer!

June 27, 2008

Deacon: Usher, you’re lookin’ a little “peak-ed”

Usher: Yeah, must have been somethin’ I ate

Deacon: Do you remember what it was?

Usher: I think it was the latest sermon served up by the pastor.  He got together with some marketing people to address the homeless thing in the community and then fed it to us.

Deacon: Fed you what?

Usher: Oh, you know – let’s all do something for the homeless this week.  He put together some program so the congregation could go give ‘em some food, buy ‘em a blanket and hand ‘em a tract.

Deacon: And what’s wrong with that?

Usher: Nothin’ I guess, next week is diversity week, following is prison week, then divorce week, short-term missions week, singles week, VBC week……  It’s McChurch Deak, McChurch.. Come and get your limited time offer to minister – then we’ll all go to Starbucks and drink lattes after.

Church Hopper (Part 3)

June 26, 2008

Deacon: Usher, how does the church survive with church hoppers?

Usher: Who says it needs to survive in the form it’s in today Deak?

Deacon: Well it has been proven for about 2000 years.

Usher: That’s up for debate, Deak.

Usher: Let’s all be real.  What is the motivation for a church to grow its membership?  Money!  It’s not furthering the kingdom.  If it were, the church wouldn’t be telling its people to give, give, give and then only offer up an occasional prayer in exchange for all their investment.

Deacon: But the church is for those who are saved, so they can grow and the church is their to disciple them.

Usher: Deak, you’re more than idealistic on that statement.  You call discipleship weak Sunday School (teachers who volunteer and are rarely taught, trained, held accountable, etc.), cushy little youth groups with watered-down curriculum or some “made-up-curriculum” from the youth pastor who’s never done a single thing in his life except go to college, get a degree (with the greatest real life application being a few week-long mission trips to a safe haven)? 

Just what if that new person visiting is a seasoned disciple, has moved into the area with a job change and is a level 8 disciple and is far more advanced in his/her knowledge of the kingdom?  He sits through a couple sermons and realizes the pastor preaches on a level of about a 2.  He leaves.  Is he a “church hopper”

Deacon: But that’s not a normal situation Usher.

Usher: Life ain’t normal, Deak.  Everyone who walks in the church is unique.  Why does the church fall into the trap of offering programs that only cater to one group of people, then preach as though everyone in the group should buy into the shallowness of it all?  People are all at different stages in their lives.  One size fits all doesn’t cut it!  Church is not about the Sunday morning service, it’s about the body life.  Yet all the money the church collects and all the effort put into raising the membership is about the show or what I call the Sunday morning demonstration: “here are our great programs, don’t miss all the announcements about our great programs” and isn’t our worship team great?  And I (the pastor) worked so hard this week to prepare this one-size-fits-all sermon “just for you”.

Church Hopping (Part 2)

June 19, 2008

Deacon: What’s the church’s role in “church hopper”?

Usher: First of all Deak, church hopping to shop for the best programs and all is just plain wrong.  To shop a church for all the goodies makes my craw rumble.

Second, lots of churches don’t ever look at themselves in the mirror.  They put the label of “church-hopper” on anyone who doesn’t find their church to be the right place.  Shame on them.

For these types of people who are truly looking for a real church, I have a lot of mercy.  They are often the ones that no one seems to notice when they drop in.  They’re not pretty, they don’t have pretty little kids and maybe they just don’t fit into the mainstream of the church. 

Churches battle this by “training” their A-personality types to seek out the new people (usually with help from the greeters or making these types the greeters) and then they’re all over them like a Radio Shack salesman.  Doing what, why pushing their programs of course!  Ugh!  Let me get this straight – churches want authentic people, yet they push their programs all over them to get them to stay and then they condemn them because they find the church not to their liking?

Increase Your Giving!

May 15, 2008

Deacon:  Hey Usher – you hear the sermon on Sunday?

Usher:  Yeah Deak = Something about increasing your giving instead of your living..

Deacon: Did you tithe off your roadkill on the Pike?

Usher:  Come on Deak – It was only a field mouse!

Deacon:  Hey, you know the scriptures…

Usher:  But I only got two bites from that mouse!  An Audi flattened it before I got a third!

Deacon:  10% dude – it’s scriptural

Usher:  So Deak – what’s 10% of two bites? 


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