Posts Tagged ‘Deak’

Why Do We Go To Church, Daddy?

January 3, 2010

Usher: Hey Deak,

My buddy Short Beak stopped by my branch the other day and asked me how to answer his kid’s question – “Why do we go to church, Daddy? I thought Jesus was fun and cool, but church really sucks! I can’t stay awake for longer than 5 minutes through those windy sermons and Sunday School is full of Geritol and brown-nosers.”

Deacon: So what did you tell him?

Usher:  I told him it was his problem.  After all, he’s fallen for it all his life, and now he’s at the point of no return.  No matter what he tells his kid, his kid will see him as a hypocrite because he still goes and doesn’t feel he can change as it’s too late in life and after all, the fellowship hour has really good desserts!

Deacon:  Usher, you’re so so lame!

Divide & Conquer

April 20, 2009

Usher:  Deak, I been told that the church is supposed to be separated from state and I don’t have a problem with that.  But how come all them humans run the church like a business?

Deacon: They are raised and taught in a “command and conquer” society where rigid guidelines and hierarchy are the norm.  (Unlike how the church was actually established around a decentralized model with not titles, no bosses and no hierarchy.)

Usher: So that’s why the pastor is the CEO, the assistant is the aggressive VP with the pedigree pursuing the career path and the sheep are mere afterthoughts?

Deacon: You go it!  They simply see church as a vocation and nothing more.  Once they find a place where they can attain control, they must build up their congregation so they can store away their retirements and 401Ks and all that crap.  The sheep are the ones who fund it all, but nothing more.

Usher: So where is God in all this?  Don’t they know that the “command and conquer” model is subject to strife, infighting and easily overthrown or divided?

Deacon:  That doesn’t really matter to them.  In fact, it plays right into their hand.  It’s because they are in it mostly for the money.  (If you took away their money, they’d leave.) When things get rough, they simply pacify the sheep with programs (crumbs) and they use the sheep money to fund it all.  Kind of interesting, eh?  In the days of the Apache, the government couldn’t tame the Apache because they were decentralized.  Killing them was actually making them multiply.  They had no chiefs and no hierarchy, they operated in circles of influence.  Destroy one circle, and two more would crop up. They were a nemesis even into the 20th century after most of the other tribes had been conquered.

Usher: How did the government finally conquer them?

Deacon: Funny you should ask.  They gave the spiritual leaders (who operated just like al qaeda cell group leaders), the Nant’ans – cattle.  With this brought prestige and a pecking order and voila!  In just a few years, the Apaches were tamed and living out their lives in reservations with cows and booze!

Usher: Kind of like dumb Christians going to church every Sunday and doing just what the pastor wants in exchange for babysitting, donuts and coffee?  And all at the expense of the sheep?

Deacon: Most people would say your depiction is a little harsh, but you get the picture….

Usher: Wow, don’t the sheep know that if they simply stop going, all of the corruption will stop? They don’t need these greedy blokes to pacify them and lull them into a false sense of security.  And if they sat and did the math and realized that all that “tithe” is just funding the 401K and paying for the home of some money-grubbing pastor, why won’t they walk away?

Deacon: The oldest and largest companies in the world are insurance companies.  They sell peace-of-mind and nothing more.  Sheep are dumb and they will pay anything for someone to tell them everything is “gonna be all right”.

Jesusbucks!

January 9, 2009

Usher: Deak, are Western Christians just more “stupid” than the average human?

Deacon: To what are you referring to now?

Usher: Their “church planting” practices.  They simply just don’t get it. 

Deacon: How so?

Usher: Well, they take the idea of  “franchising”, they call it “church planting” and then they forget about the most important parts!

Deacon: What do you mean?

Usher: Well, they simply go half way.  They hire these young dudes fresh out of the seminary, make ‘em assistants and youth pastors and then they just leave them up to their own devices!  Then they end up with 35,000 denominations and a watered-down brand.  They never close the deal!

Deacon: What should they do?

Usher: Everyone knows that the key to succes is franchising.  Recruit the franchisee (pastors) into a long term commitment, make them swear their allegiance to to the mother ship and then use every legal vehicle and disclosure document to either confuse them, trap them or keep them silent.  Add to this a proprietary system (sole source providers [denomination], proprietary software [doctrine/brand/protocol], indigent service folk [board], micro-managing regional watchdogs [management/Vatican], lazy in-house counsel [lawyers], super PR department [press control/propaganda], senator on the hill [political insurance]) and you’re on your way to absolute prosperity.

Deacon: Usher, you’ve described nothing more than a feudal system of control, deceit and sleight-of-hand!

Usher: Exactly!  They simply need to all get on the same page and build the brand!  They can call it Jesusbucks! If they’d just trade in the denomination for a universal brand, they’d be recognized around the world!  There’d be no confusion.  Everyone would make money!  A Jesusbucks on every corner!  Has a nice ring, don’t you think?

Deacon: Usher, you’ve gone off the top branch!

Usher: It would go something like this:  

“Sir, how would you like your religion?  Protestant blend? Light on the conscience? Lukewarm? and would you like some non-convicting rationalization with that? Please make yourself comfortable in our worship center while we fix you right up!

“Next please” – Non-denominational blend? Extra heavy on the condemnation? Hell fire hot and NO GRACE!  Sir, your order will be right up.  Have a seat against the elder’s wall and we’ll be right with you.

“Can I help the next Christian in line?”  Catholic blend? on ice?  Mass rush and hold the pergatory (that will require a 15% gratuity, sir)!  Coming right up sir, please step to the front of the line!  We like tippers!

Denominational Reviews

November 2, 2008

Usher: Deak, what if people did reviews on the Internet after they “shopped” churches? 

Deacon: I don’t know – what would that do?

Usher: Well, first of all, you could find out what they were really like as the names don’t mean a thing to people today.

Deacon:  Sort of like churches would be actually described in the reviews by their true behavior – what would they really be called?

Usher: That’s really interesting.  I wrote a couple below that relate to churches I’ve been to or belonged to:

The church with the free bagels and coffee (during service in case the sermon sucks)

The Church of Bad Coffee (the urns must be from the 60’s)

The Church with the Wal Mart greeters – better yet how about Wal Mart West? (I belonged to a church where the town actually nicknamed the church Wal Mart because of all the stuff they had to do to get permitting to build it)

The Church of the insecure pastor – the sermons have 6 clarifying stories or scenarios for each point made

The Up & Down Church (from standing up and down so many times)

The Church of the old pews (where you’re afraid to sit down for fear they’ll break)

The Assisted Living Church (No one under 50 ever seemed to come)

The Church of the blue hairs (this one was about 30 people and they were living on an annuity – no reason to evangelize in today’s society because they had nothing to offer to families and there were no kids in the church)

The Church of the intinerant parking attendants (I swear they never step inside – this particular church was in the northeast and had two huge parking lots and about 20 attendants every Sunday)

The Church that wouldn’t change it’s sign out front (ever see a sign that has those replaceable letters but they’re too lazy to change it from week to week?)

The Church of my grandfather (and still is)

The Church of the pretty windows and empty seats (this is a problem worldwide where people are trying to preserve the buildings – to heck with the furthering of the gospel)

The Church with the smelly hymnals (because the one’s in the pews where we sat hadn’t been opened in years)

The Church of the Windy Pastor (sermons went on and on – everyone has been to or belonged to one of these if they’ve been a christian for any amount of time)

MCMass (church with masses every hour and drive-up confession)

The Weaker Seeker Church – you know the type – 40 minute services with 20 minutes of rock and roll worship

The Church of the Suburb Soccer Moms – where fellowship is about kid’s sports, decorating the homestead and braggin’ about the new SUV they just got!

The Church of the Pastor’s Friends – the church that has the perfect pastor and the perfect deacons (that no one knows except from the pastor’s sermons or their lengthy prayers) and no one knows where the pastor goes or what he does outside Sunday services.  Interestingly enough, they’re great at referrals and aloof when it comes to anyone outside their immediate circle.

Usher: Maybe some of our friends can share about the real impressions of the churches they’ve been to or belonged to…..

If you’re Creflo’s disciple, your tithe bought a Rolls Royce!

August 17, 2008

Usher: Hey Deak, check this NY Times article out on church finances

Deacon: I read it.  So how does a megachurch televangelist determine what is excessive?

Usher: I think a Rolls Royce might be considered excessive…..but then again, I’m just a buzzard

The Associated Press
Published: November 11, 2007

 

ATLANTA: An Atlanta megachurch took in $69 million (€47 million) in 2006, according to a financial statement the church’s minister released in response to a Senate investigation into him and five other well-known televangelists.

The Rev. Creflo Dollar disclosed the World Changers Church International’s financial information to The Atlanta Journal-Constitution, but said the money he spends is his own.

Dollar said his income comes from personal investments, including businesses and real estate ventures. But the church gave him a Rolls Royce, which he mainly uses for special occasions, he said.

“Without a doubt, my life is not average,” he said. “But I’d like to say, just because it is excessive doesn’t necessarily mean it’s wrong.”

Pastor Pastor Oh won’t you tell me please…

August 9, 2008

Usher: Hey Deak, I wrote a rap, can you add the music?

 

Deacon: Aw Usher, I’m a buzzard, I can’t sing

 

Usher: Do your best Deak, here are the words……

 

Pastor Pastor, Oh won’t you tell me please

Why you take so much money from the least of these

Don’t the scriptures say that what you do for them

You do unto Him……

 

Pastor Pastor Oh won’t you please explain

Why you’re rarely here when they cry out in pain

Don’t the scriptures say that what you do for them

You do unto Him….

 

Constantine would be proud of the church of today

Where all who come are encouraged to pay

Where men are exalted by the stories they tell

The pagan tradition is alive and well

 

Programs are bait and marketing prose is king

Big pretty buildings scream bling bling bling

Sermons are published and sold for great gains

As pastors travel the circuit in their private planes

 

For some odd reason, the laypeople stay mum

Every Sunday morning they continue to come

To practice tradition and listen some more

And fund the dreams of the pastor, while ignoring the poor

 

An Image of caring and concern, pastors portray

But when times get tough, they call the laymen to pray

And when money is requested for the poor, the budget is suddenly low

Oh where does the tithe of the poor people go?

 

But why fight it, why can’t we all join in the fun

We’ll go to Christian college, get a degree and with pride we can beam

We can all be appointed to a church of our own

And fleece the poor and naiive while we fund our own American dream

 

And when we approach our maker at the end of our reign

We’ll all proclaim how successful we’ve been

How we furthered the kingdom with our big pretty chapels

How we encouraged the laymen to care for the sick while we vacationed with our families

How we taught them to give to the poor because we used their money to buy our jets

How we used all the funds to fund programs to attract bigger and bigger crowds

To publish more books and sermons and and and and and……

 

You fill in the blanks…….

 

Copyright: Deacon & Usher Productions (hehe)

Church Hopping (Part 2)

June 19, 2008

Deacon: What’s the church’s role in “church hopper”?

Usher: First of all Deak, church hopping to shop for the best programs and all is just plain wrong.  To shop a church for all the goodies makes my craw rumble.

Second, lots of churches don’t ever look at themselves in the mirror.  They put the label of “church-hopper” on anyone who doesn’t find their church to be the right place.  Shame on them.

For these types of people who are truly looking for a real church, I have a lot of mercy.  They are often the ones that no one seems to notice when they drop in.  They’re not pretty, they don’t have pretty little kids and maybe they just don’t fit into the mainstream of the church. 

Churches battle this by “training” their A-personality types to seek out the new people (usually with help from the greeters or making these types the greeters) and then they’re all over them like a Radio Shack salesman.  Doing what, why pushing their programs of course!  Ugh!  Let me get this straight – churches want authentic people, yet they push their programs all over them to get them to stay and then they condemn them because they find the church not to their liking?

Faith Insurance

June 6, 2008

Deacon:  What are you doing?

Usher: I’m studying for my MBA online

Deacon:  You’re a buzzard, what in the world do you want an MBA for?

Usher: I need faith insurance, Deak

Deacon: Never heard that term, What is faith insurance Usher?

Usher: A degree Deak, you know, a certificate that says I can get a real job, like a youth pastor

Deacon: So what’s that gonna do for you Usher?

Usher: Then I don’t have to get all stressed out about whether roadkill will show up or not

Deacon: What will that do for you?

Usher: Then all the people will buy roadkill for me Deak!


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