Why Do We Go To Church, Daddy?

Usher: Hey Deak,

My buddy Short Beak stopped by my branch the other day and asked me how to answer his kid’s question – “Why do we go to church, Daddy? I thought Jesus was fun and cool, but church really sucks! I can’t stay awake for longer than 5 minutes through those windy sermons and Sunday School is full of Geritol and brown-nosers.”

Deacon: So what did you tell him?

Usher:  I told him it was his problem.  After all, he’s fallen for it all his life, and now he’s at the point of no return.  No matter what he tells his kid, his kid will see him as a hypocrite because he still goes and doesn’t feel he can change as it’s too late in life and after all, the fellowship hour has really good desserts!

Deacon:  Usher, you’re so so lame!

Traditional Title of Pastor or Real Titles?

Usher: Hey Deak, what if pastors were called by their real duties instead of some pastor of the church?  Who would your pastor be?

Deacon: I don’t know, shepherd?

Usher – Here are a few that come to mind:

Chief guilt officer, Chief alter caller, Chief wine and bread steward, Chief Membership Pusher, Chief Building Fund Persuader, Chief Marketing Officer, Chief Delegator, Chief Manipulator, Chief divorce counselor, Chief curriculum chooser, Chief Finanacial Officer, Chief Idealist (keep the member) officer

Deacon: You better watch it Usher, you’re steppin’ on toes

McChurch – Limited Time Offer!

Deacon: Usher, you’re lookin’ a little “peak-ed”

Usher: Yeah, must have been somethin’ I ate

Deacon: Do you remember what it was?

Usher: I think it was the latest sermon served up by the pastor.  He got together with some marketing people to address the homeless thing in the community and then fed it to us.

Deacon: Fed you what?

Usher: Oh, you know – let’s all do something for the homeless this week.  He put together some program so the congregation could go give ‘em some food, buy ‘em a blanket and hand ‘em a tract.

Deacon: And what’s wrong with that?

Usher: Nothin’ I guess, next week is diversity week, following is prison week, then divorce week, short-term missions week, singles week, VBC week……  It’s McChurch Deak, McChurch.. Come and get your limited time offer to minister – then we’ll all go to Starbucks and drink lattes after.

Church Hopping (Part 2)

Deacon: What’s the church’s role in “church hopper”?

Usher: First of all Deak, church hopping to shop for the best programs and all is just plain wrong.  To shop a church for all the goodies makes my craw rumble.

Second, lots of churches don’t ever look at themselves in the mirror.  They put the label of “church-hopper” on anyone who doesn’t find their church to be the right place.  Shame on them.

For these types of people who are truly looking for a real church, I have a lot of mercy.  They are often the ones that no one seems to notice when they drop in.  They’re not pretty, they don’t have pretty little kids and maybe they just don’t fit into the mainstream of the church. 

Churches battle this by “training” their A-personality types to seek out the new people (usually with help from the greeters or making these types the greeters) and then they’re all over them like a Radio Shack salesman.  Doing what, why pushing their programs of course!  Ugh!  Let me get this straight – churches want authentic people, yet they push their programs all over them to get them to stay and then they condemn them because they find the church not to their liking?

Worship or Performance?

Usher: Hey Deak, how can corporate worship be anything but performance?

Deacon: Usher, it’s about the attitude of the heart – one cannot judge one’s heart – only God can

Usher: Yeah, but only the musicians and leaders participate – the congregation simply mouth the words and follow the leader

Deacon: Again Usher, you cannot judge

Usher: Let’s do an experiment Deak, I’ll sing and see if anyone shows up?

Deacon: Usher, you can’t there’d be noone left!

Usher: Proves my point Deak – corporate choreographed worship is performance!

Faith Insurance

Deacon:  What are you doing?

Usher: I’m studying for my MBA online

Deacon:  You’re a buzzard, what in the world do you want an MBA for?

Usher: I need faith insurance, Deak

Deacon: Never heard that term, What is faith insurance Usher?

Usher: A degree Deak, you know, a certificate that says I can get a real job, like a youth pastor

Deacon: So what’s that gonna do for you Usher?

Usher: Then I don’t have to get all stressed out about whether roadkill will show up or not

Deacon: What will that do for you?

Usher: Then all the people will buy roadkill for me Deak!